Anyone that pays close attention to American politics and gets their news from unbiased sources should be capable of telling you that America has two Presidents today.  There's the real President Obama, a center-right moderate conservative with a splash of liberal ideals, and then the fictional Obama that Conservatives invented to make hating him quite a bit easier. 

We've heard from the real President Obama; this being an election year, finding legitimate information about him isn't all that hard.  But the fictional Obama doesn't really get out much.  Sure, Fox news and Conservative radio hosts occasionally give him a voice, but you can't go out there and find a speech from fictional Obama.  It isn't really fair, is it?

Well fret no more, friends!  Being the awesome journalist that I am, I managed to track down the fictional Obama, living off the government teet in a fancy-shmancy Chicago skyrise filled with the dregs of that city's seedy, radical-liberal underbelly.  He's agreed to fly back to New York with me and sit here in my home office for a few days, answering whatever questions you pitch to him in the comments down below!

Any question is a fair question, and I'll let fictional Obama use my Newsvine account to write responses.  Just remember, folks: Fictional Obama is a radical left-wing Muslim extremist, so he might get pretty nasty with you if you don't address him properly, as Comrade-Presidente Obama. 

So, what are you waiting for?  Ask fictional Obama anything you want to ask him!

I have to warn you, we're going to talk about a US president in this article that was as dispicable as a president can be.  A president who, in January of 2013, will NOT be president any longer.  Put down that sandwich, as I don't want you to get sick to your stomach.  Don't sip that beverage of yours, because it'll just end up all over your screen.  And warn those that you work and/ or live with that you may be screaming vulgarities and weeping uncontrollably when this article is over with!

The sub-human president we're talking about here really is the scum of the Earth.  A man that doesn't love America, hasn't paid any taxes in years, and hates the free markets.  He bowed before foreign heads of state (yuck).  He raised taxes constantly, including one of the biggest tax hikes ever (gag).  He wanted to weaken our military by taking away all of our nuclear missiles (barf).  He supported unions (my nose is running).  And he never, ever, contributed to the free market with a business executive job like, say, Mitt Romney has (what's that smell?  Aww crud... I soiled myself!).  He was, for lack of a better phrase, the very worst president of all time, by contemporary conservative standards.

His name?  Ronald Reagan.

Ronald Reagan was an actor -- that's right, a typical, out-of-touch Hollywood liberal elitist -- who spent his whole life trying to be the center of attention... a true "celebrity president."  He was Governor of California (a blue state!) for a paltry eight years... that's three whole years of legislative experience LESS than Obama had before he took office!  And while he was Governor, he opposed the Briggs Initiative, which would have banned gays and lesbians from working in public schools.  That's right.  Ronald Reagan was just as gay as Obama!

Reagan ran a disgusting, lowly character assassination campaign against his rival, and was supported in his election efforts by a radical fundamentalist religious preacher that hated America, by the name of Jerry Falwell.  Falwell blamed 9/11 on Americans and hated the Constitution for its heathen secularism.  Meanwhile, Reagan was bringing in his Hollywood friends to help him win the election, and do you remember George Bush, the RINO president before Obama?  His dad was Reagan's running mate!  Yes, I'm serious!

After Reagan won the election, probably due to election fraud (sadly, James O'Keefe hadn't been born yet, so he wasn't around to investigate), he went on to spend his first four years blaming the President before him for everything that was wrong with America, refusing to take any credit for the 1982 recession that was brought on by his love of socialism and his hatred of the free markets.  He regulated businesses, he said favorable things about unions, and... I hope you're sitting down... he RAISED TAXES eight whole times, including the biggest peace-time tax hike in US history!  And it gets worse, still!  If you consider all of the tax rates in the top bracket (the tax bracket for the 1% patriots, like Mitt Romney), Reagan had an average top-tier tax rate of around 50%!  That's twenty-something percent MORE than Obama!  He also expanded the Federal government with more public sector jobs than any President before him, and other than that RINO, Bush, his expansion of the government was bigger than any President since.  In fact, to this day, even stacked against Obama, Reagan spent the largest percentage of America's GDP of any President in history!  Typical tax and spend liberal hogwash, am I right?

And when it came to foreign affairs, Reagan was at least a thousand times worse than Obama.  He had the nerve to sit down with foreign leaders and "discuss things" with them... what a wussy, limp-wristed, drinking-beer-while-chatting liberal loser!  He also had several conversations with Mikhail Gorbachev, A SOVIET PINKO COMMUNIST, and stuck his nose into foreign affairs in Russia, where his nose didn't belong!  And as was mentioned earlier, he wanted America to get rid of all of its nuclear missiles, too, because he hated the military and wanted Russia to conquer us!

People seem to really dislike President Obama, but just remember this, my conservative friends: it could be a lot worse.  Ronald Reagan could be your President again!

In this riveting, educational, and entirely award-worthy (wink-wink, nudge-nudge) debut edition of "Political Theatre" (the "E" and the "R" are turned around, so you know this is some classy s---!), we're going to join a Republican and a Democrat, both politicians, as they combine their impeccable skills in a bipartisan effort to build a sandwich.  Bon appetit!

Democrat: Hey, are you hungry?  Let's make a sandwich together, as a team!

Republican: [crosses his arms and pouts] I don't wanna!

D: Aww, come on!  It'll be fun!  I've laid out the perfect sandwich.  Oat berry bread, turkey, ham, bacon, lettuce, tomato, swiss...

R: Okay... you win.  I'll make a sandwich with you, but only on one condition: you let me make the whole thing by myself, and you don't say anything while I'm making it, and you let me have all of the credit for coming up with the idea of making the sandwich.  Fair?

D: Uh... well, I sort of wanted to work together on this, make it a team-effort, you know?  And last week, you tried making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and you nearly burned the whole building to the ground.

R: That wasn't my fault!  It was the Democrat making the sandwich before me, unless it was a Republican, in which case it was the Democrat making the sandwich before them!

D: Uhh... okay... but I was trying to put out the fire on your plate for several minutes.  It still smells like smoke in here.  How did you even...

R: YOU started that fire when YOU were making a sandwich!  How DARE you blame that on the guy making a sandwich before you?!  Who would even do something like that?!

D: Because you started!... no, you know what?  Let's just make this sandwich together.

R: Roast beef.

D: What?

R: I want a roast beef sandwich.

D: Well, I didn't get roast beef.  We have turkey, and ham, and...

R: ROAST BEEF ROAST BEEF ROAST BEEF!

D: Fine!  I'll go to the store and get roast beef!

[20 minutes later]

D:  Hey, I'm back with the roast...

R:  I changed my mind.  Turkey and ham!

D:  Ugh...  Okay! Whatever!  Let's just start making the sandwich!  We'll start with the bread...

R: Woah, slow down there, Fidel.  Who paid for all of this food?

D: What?  I paid for it.

R: With cash that you earned at a job?  Or with government entitlements?

D: What?  No, I didn't have enough cash on me and the ATM was too far, so I put it on my card.

R: Typical liberal progressive commie pinko socialist, ringing up massive loads of debt and expecting others to...

D: GRR!  SHUT UP!  Here, cut this tomato.  I want to eat sometime before I die...

R: Before Obamacare kills your grandma, you mean.

D:  Cut... the... tomato...

R: Oh my God... oh my God!

D: What?  Did you cut yourself?  Are you okay?!

R: Look inside this tomato I just cut!  It looks like... wow... it looks like Ronald Reagan cuddling with Baby Jesus at a gun rally with Sarah Palin!

D: It just looks like the inside of a tomato to me.

R: Oh, suuure, you would say that, wouldn't you?  Why do you hate this country so much?

D:  I don't hate this country! 

R: Whatever, I don't like this game!  I'm not making this sandwich with you anymore!  But I expect half of it when it's done anyway!  Loser!

D: Argh!  You know what?  Just sit over there, quietly, and I'll make the whole darn sandwich myself!

[a few minutes later]

D:  There!  The sandwich is done.  Now all I have to do is cut it in half, and we'll each get... hey!  What are you doing?!

R:  Cutting the sandwich in half!  Almost... got it...  Done!

D:  What the hell, man?!  You took 95% of the sandwich for yourself, and the whole bag of potato chips, and drank most of my Coke!  You left me with table scraps!

R:  Yeah, I did!  And you'll eat them and be happy and keep your mouth shut, if you know what's good for you!

D: ...

R:  And you know what?  This sandwich doesn't even taste good!  At all!  This is what happens when you make it all by yourself, and refuse to let anyone help you!  What a selfish partisan jerkwad you are, you wad of jerks!

I've had it up to here with this President Obama... if that is his real name.  I just got done watching seven minutes of Fox News, and let me tell you, I learned more than I cared to learn about this Muslim socialist who hates America and wants to poop directly on our children.  It's time for a change!  We need a President that understands the plight of the working man, like Mitt Romney, whose totally more in-touch than that "community organizer" ever could be!  Viva la... uh... nevermind, that sounded foreign.

I'm sure some fancy East Coast Hollywood Liberal Occupier who doesn't have a blue collar job like me will come along and whine about what I'm saying here, but come on!  I can't even list all the things he's done wrong in his "administration," but I'll try to name as many as I can here.

Let's start with those pinko "bailouts" he did.  What a load of crap!  How dare he save the American auto industry, turning Detroit around so it's profitable and record-setting for the first time in decades?!  Sorry comrade, but I think that's bull!  And remember that whole "cash for clunkers" mess?  Sure, you might show me "facts" and "statistics" that say it "worked," but come on.  He's the most leftist President ever, so that means it didn't work!

And don't even get me started on Osama Bin Laden!  What sort of bully is this guy, sending in a SEAL team and shooting the world's most wanted terrorist in the face?  There he was, minding his own business, drinking a Pepsi and watching some porn, when BOOM, a bunch of Navy SEALS kick in his door and drill him in the head!  What the hell, Obama?  Haven't you read the third amendent of the CONSTITUTION?!  Don't you know you aren't allowed to send soldiers into peoples' houses?  Good going, you psycho jerk!  And I heard a reporter say on television that Obama wants to "beat" Mitt Romney!  What the hell!  This guy needs violence seminars, right now!"

And TAXES!  What's with this Obama guy and taxes?!  Why the hell did he invent this "income tax" when he took office?  He's a typical tax-and-spend Liberal, that's why!  And the left-wing lamestream media will try to tell you that Reagan raised taxes eight times, including the biggest peace-time tax hike in US history, but ignore that!  Reagan was the greatest patriot of all time, with the Constitution and Jesus somewhere just below him!

And way to go on all that "hope" and "change" you promised those idiots that voted for you, Obama.  Where's the transparency you claimed you'd bring in?  Yeah, government transparency has increased more under your Presidency than any other in history, but it ain't good enough!  What are you hiding?!  And I thought you said you'd be bi-partisan?!  What happened to that master plan of yours, huh?  Inviting Republicans to the table over and over and over again, only to get the door slammed in your face... that is NOT bi-partisanship.  You're supposed to drop-trow, bend over, brace yourself for impact, and take whatever the Republicans shove your way like a man!  Some "professor" you must've been!

And what's up with your supporting Gay Marriage?  Don't you know that Jesus said he hates gays, right before he punched three in the face and turned a fourth into a leper?  It's in the Bible.  The JESUS bible, not the MUSLIM bible, give it a read sometime!  I won't let a bunch of gays ruin the sanctity of my third marriage, no way, no how!  My first marriage, to a girl I impregnated in high school?  RUINED BY GAYS, when my then-wife was watching a movie with that Johnny Depp guy where he was wearing makeup.  My second marriage, to the waitress I cheated on my first one with after she told me she hates Johnny Depp?  RUINED BY GAYS, when that wife started watching "Glee."  My third wife, who I married after my second wife left me because I'm a terrible father?  Keep your gay hands off this one, she's MINE!

I've had it up to here.  You can't see it, but I'm holding my hand above my head!  I'm THAT angry about this jerk!  What's he going to do in his second term?  End the recession?  Cure cancer?  Stick Justin Bieber on a rocket and shoot him into the sun, along with everyone that has one of those stupid Bieber haircuts?  Yeah, you liberals would like it if he did all that, wouldn't you?! 

Read the constitution, Obama.  It says "capitalism" and "Jesus is awesome" right in there!  Who agrees with me?  Let's go rant about it at our local Tea Party rallies!

Bristol Palin suggests that President Obama’s daughters Sasha and Malia are behind his embrace of same-sex marriage rights, and she thinks that’s a shame. 

In a blog post titled “Hail to the Chiefs – Malia and Sasha Obama,” the 21 year old daughter of former presidential candidate Sarah Palin criticized the president for being overly influenced by his family.  ”While it’s great to listen to your kids’ ideas, there’s also a time when dads simply need to be dads. 

Bristol Palin ------------>
[Photo by ReutersClose ]

In this case, it would’ve been helpful for him to explain to Malia and Sasha that while her friends parents are no doubt lovely people, that’s not a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about marriage,” wrote Palin, a single mother. “Ideally, fathers help shape their kids’ worldview. In this situation, it was the other way around.  

I guess we can be glad that Malia and Sasha aren’t younger, or perhaps today’s press conference might have been about appointing Dora the Explorer as Attorney General.... Read more;

We start stupid. The brain is wired to be entertained. We don't pay attention to the words. We pay attention to the pictures and the drama and the story. If it's pretty, if it's exciting, if it's violent, if it's fast, that's where we are. So the fact that these mini dramas are being used to get us to vote for one person or another is just like what we all learned propaganda was used for and thought we learned our lessons from in World War II. They are propaganda. And propaganda is irresistible. If it were resistible, people wouldn't do it.

WASHINGTON: In front of thousands of cheering supporters this evening, Mitt Romney began laying out policy that targeted independent and liberal-ish voters in what could have been his nomination acceptance speech. To everyone's surprise, he included the following statement: "I believe in a better America. I believe in the constitution. I believe in liberty. I believe that all Americans, black, white, liberal, conservative, gay, or straight, should have equal rights in all aspects of society."

That speech, and that statement, ended Romney's two-year bid for nomination and began an eight-month run for the office of President. Romney also did not fail to leave out his usual conservative messages and twenty-three attacks on Obama and his dog. He specifically avoided any topic related to the economy, except for the occasional rally cry of "We're going to fix this economy!". His speech lasted for sixteen minutes and was frequently interrupted by the enthusiastic cries from supporters, who were energetic after Romney's sweep of five primaries the day before.

After the rally ended we were able to catch a few of the attendees for a short chat about the former governor. Asked if they planned to support him in the general election, the most frequent response given was, "Of course, he's not Obama."

Then we asked them if they supported his sudden support of gay marriage, which did attract a few boos after the statement was given. Those asked were suddenly uncomfortable, avoiding eye contact while saying, "At least he isn't Obama."

Romney enters this general election with a badly damaged reputation among independent and liberal voters, and he knowingly took a risk by flipping his opinion on the conservative's most important of policies on day one. In the coming months, he will have to walk a fine line in order to avoid alienating his conservative base while appealing to the rest of America.

That gap is so wide, in fact, that many analysts are predicting a landslide victory for Obama. One of the most highly respected political analysts, "Debater of Leafs", suggested that there is no possible way to make social policies appeal to both sides of the aisle and that given the current course of American opinion, the democratic policies will win this election.

For now, though, Romney's supporters are left scratching their heads and praying (literally) that he doesn't change his views on abortion either.

Other prominent politicians also responded to Romney's flip-flop:

"You lie!" (Joe Wilson)

"H3y R0mn3y, ur gay n so iz ur polucy (sic)." (Sarah Palin- via twitter)

"Regretting my decision to suspend my campaign." (Rick Santorum).

"Keep up the good work, Mitt!" (Barack Obama).

WASHINGT.... or somewhere else: Following a Reince Preibus comment dissing the media framing Mitt Romney to be waging a "war on women", the very same journalists have begun writing about his "War on Caterpillars".

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus asserted in an interview last week that the media would just as quickly report a “war on caterpillars” if Democrats insisted it were the case...

The Huffington Post and MSNBC were quick to capitalize, not only suggesting that Preibus was downplaying woman's rights by making such a comparison, but that Preibus has a history of torturing and killing innocent caterpillars going back to the age of 3.

"He used to eat them, after forcing them to crawl over his hands and arms" his mother stated, "then it turned into throwing them into bushes."

Animal rights groups, namely PETA, have stepped in, going as far to suggest that people throw rocks at Preibus to show him the caterpillar's perspective. PETA has called for caterpillars (and every other animal known to man) to be protected by the Constitution.

Preibus, for his part, has called these allegations "false" and "a political game by the media, at the direction of Obama's socialist regime, to brainwash the hearts of god-fearing Christians."

"He wrote me in support of the tax plan, because he said, 'I am legally able to take advantage of the present tax code, nothing dishonest, doing what the law prescribes, and wind up paying a smaller […] tax than my secretary pays.' And he wrote me the letter to tell me he'd like to come to Washington and testify before Congress as to how that's possible for him to do and why it is wrong."

Calling ObamaCare “socialized medicine” truly lowers the standards on what could be considered socialized medicine. It’s like calling paved roads “government overreach”; a stop light a “government takeover of your commute”; or a neighborhood with speed bumps “a road to communism.” The law is really some regulations to help consumers buy private insurance coupled with a small fee if consumers decide not to buy said insurance.

Is it perfect? No. Could it be improved? Absolutely. However, ObamaCare is the opposite of socialism — it’s a market solution.

The right-wing got a “free” market solution to health care. That was their cause — personal responsibility their mantra — now it’s law. They got an entire reform bill incentivizing citizens to buy into private for-profit insurance plans. This is the Republican vision for America: Less government more profits for giant corporations. This core of the Affordable Care Act was an idea floated by President Nixon in 1974, touted by the Heritage Foundation in 1989, introduced by Newt Gingrich in 1993 and implemented by Mitt Romney in 2005. And now? Now it’s a big festering albatross around Obama’s neck...

...So the decades-old Republican big idea finally gets Democratic presidential ink and now, if you ask a Republican, it’s an unconstitutional government takeover of health care Stalin would have loved. 

I never really understood the corporate personhood debate.  It really doesn't make sense, when you think about it.  You can buy a corporation, if you can afford to purchase a majority of its shares.  But if a corporation is viewed as a person under the law, doesn't that then conflict with the thirteenth amendment, which outlaws slavery and indentured servitude?

That seems to be one of those legal gray areas, doesn't it?  A corporation gets to be treated as a person, but you can buy that person, and as a majority shareholder, you get to order them around, making them do stuff for you.  Perhaps it's my woeful public school education talking, but I'm pretty sure slavery is illegal, isn't it?  I mean, I couldn't buy a Wall Street executive who works for a corporation, and make them do stuff for me, could I?

I'm no big fan of slavery, but come on, you know you wouldn't mind having an extra pair of hands around the house.  You could make your own personal Wall Street executive clean your apartment, take care of your pets, do the dishes, wash the laundry... it'd be like having a maid, but you buy them rather than hire them.  Just don't let them near your personal finances... they're not exactly known for their stellar math.  Also, keep in mind that most, if not all, Wall Street executives have never known a real day of work in their lives, so it might take them a while to learn how do all this stuff.

I know what you're thinking... "Matt, that's terrible!  You're endorsing slavery here!"  But I'm not really, when you think about it.  I'm endorsing capitalism!  You aren't buying a person, you're buying shares in a person!  Heck, you could go halfsies with your neighbor, with 50% owned by each of you, and presto, you've got a Wall Street executive cleaning two houses!  Now THAT is what I call a bargain!

Of course, this would never really be possible.  That's because there's a set of laws for the wealthy, and then another set of laws for the rest of us.  We just aren't supposed to know that bit.  Really, corporate personhood would mean individuals and groups would no longer be allowed to buy, own, or trade stocks in corporations, just like you couldn't buy stocks in me right now.  That, or slavery would be legal, and I'd be allowed to buy a Wall Street executive.  But there I go being silly again, thinking there's any fairness or equality in full-bore capitalism!  My bad!

“Why don’t you balance the budget at 24 percent [of GDP] instead of 19 percent?” I asked.

“I think it would do damage to the economy,” Rep. Paul Ryan replied...

...For starters, Ryan’s assumption that higher levels of spending and taxation would automatically hurt the economy can’t be right. If it were, America would be a poorer country today than it was a hundred years ago, when the federal government taxed and spent less than 5 percent of gross domestic product. But we’re obviously vastly wealthier. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a limit beyond which higher taxes and spending would hurt. Just that we’re not close to that point. How can we be, when President Reagan ran government at 22 percent of GDP?

Newt Gingrich is refusing to swallow his own medicine.

The former Speaker of the House (R-Ga.) rejects calls from Republicans to drop out of the presidential race, but he has a long history of telling other GOP White House hopefuls to do so.

Gingrich had often argued the exact c

“I see that both Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum now have Secret Service with them on the campaign trail,” Brown said. “And in Santorum’s case, I think it’s the first time he’s actually ever used protection.”

Rick Santorum has made a campaign promise to bar "hardcore pornography" from American websites, magazines and television, but industry giants who produce much of the nation's porn aren't worried that the crusading candidate will stop the multibillion dollar industry from churning out the next "Deep Throat."

"I don't see a danger," Michael Lucas, New York's largest producer of gay adult films, told Yahoo News. "There's no danger that he will be the Republican Party nominee."

An image purporting to show a racist, anti-Obama bumper sticker on the back of a vehicle has been garnering lots of attention on Facebook in the past 24 hours.

The bumper sticker reads, "Don't Re-Nig in 2012." And in smaller print below, "Stop repeat offenders. Don't' reelect Obama!" The sticker also features an image of the Obama campaign logo crossed out.

Several viewers have claimed the image has been digitally altered. After all, it seems shocking that someone would proudly display an openly racist image on their vehicle in 2012. So, is the image authentic?

In short, yes.

...And as one astute Facebook reader pointed out, the bumper sticker is not only offensive, it's pretty dumb. After all, if you take the top message at its literal meaning, to not renege in 2012, would mean to in fact re-elect President Obama.

If I were ever to campaign for public office, I would be damned if I would try to disguise myself as a local "home boy" in every venue that I visited, in an effort to "Blend in". This Romney character is really beginning to make me sick, and I thought Santorum's comment about a JFK speech making him want to vomit, was enough to make me want to vomit. (Btw, I don't ever recall in the nearly half century since the Kennedy assassination, ever hearing anyone in the public venue make such a derogatory comment about Jack Kennedy)

Today, I heard in the CNN background sound I usually have on, Mitt Romney saying, "Hallo ya'll!, This mornin' I had some biscuits and "Cheezy grits ... delicious! 

What a crock! If Mitt Romney ever ate any Grits, cheesy or otherwise, I assure you he would not find them "delicious". If your not a third cousin to Mammy Yokum, or own the entire collection of ZZ Top albums ... you will not find Grits, Corn Grits, Hominy Grits or Bacon Grease Grits ....."delicious". Edible? Yes. Tasty? Mmmm,... depends, .....but "delicious", to a guy that buys his suits in the likes of Loius Vuitton Shops? ...... I don't think so. 

The pundits are right, the longer this GOP circus goes on, the better the chance for Obama to defeat the survivor. Not the "winner", ..... the survivor. I'm beginning to believe that the GOP is actually minipulating the primary race to keep Romney from gaining enough delegates to cinch the nomination before the Convention. They really and truly do not want to have to chose between a Mormon and a Barack Obama. Santorum is a little too far to the Right and they know that, and Gingrich is just a little too much, well, ...... Newt. 

Sarah Paliin has seemed to catch on to what is going on, as she's been on the tease again, but anything can happen at a brokered convention, so we won't know who's going up against Obama until the smoke clears.

Anyway ... it don't make no never mind ... 'bamas gonna win the big'un no matter whichever happens.

Democratic Ohio state Sen. Nina Turner is the third female lawmaker to introduce a bill that would limit men's access to Viagra and other erectile dysfunction drugs to make a statement about the dozens of anti-abortion bills that have passed statehouses around the country over the last year.

Turner is opposed to a proposed bill that would prohibit abortion after a fetal heartbeat is detected, which can happen as early as six weeks into a pregnancy. The Dayton Daily News reports that Turner's bill would mandate that men seeking Viagra be "tested for heart problems, receive counseling about possible side effects and receive information about 'pursuing celibacy as a viable lifestyle choice.'"

Title is "Witnesses Testify that Obama NOT "Natural-Born" (Satire)

Speaking on Fox News Monday, Ann Romney showed that her husband's habit of making uncomfortable references to their wealth is rubbing off. Attempting to make the point that there are things more important than money, she instead uttered, "I don't even consider myself wealthy, which is an interesting thing. It can be here today gone tomorrow." During the same interview, speaking about the horseback riding therapy she uses to treat her multiple sclerosis, she said, according to Boston Globe reporter Michael Levenson, "Some people have lovers in every port; I have horses in every port."

Twenty-five years ago, Ted Kennedy delivered a speech against Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork that even some liberal opponents of the former solicitor general thought was over the top. It led to the pejorative phrase, "to bork," meaning to assail one's character inaccurately and unfairly.

When I was reading about the Blunt amendment yesterday, I went back to Kennedy's words about “Robert Bork's America.”  “It is a land,” Kennedy thundered, “where women would be forced into back-alley abortions, blacks would sit at segregated lunch counters, rogue police could break down citizens’ doors … and schoolchildren could not be taught about evolution.”

It seems to me that we are actually closer to this dark vision of America than we were in Bork’s day.

Just when it seemed the Barack Obama citizenship flap had faded into the background, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has turned the spotlight back on.
On Thursday Arpaio charged the birth certificate Obama says proves he is a U.S. citizen is a fraud, contending a forensic examination of the electronic document posted last year by the White House proves that it was not simply scanned into a file but actually put together in several pieces.

Forget my fellow journalists. The best guys to vett any political candidates are the comedians in my book.  Since I'm the publishing and journalism industry's dreaded hybrid they have yet to catch up to or understand, - a journalist blogger - I'm delivering the unvarnished truth to my loyal readers with a dash of spicy opinion and a liberal dose of humor.  After all, who said we can't enjoy some funnies along with our consideration of who we will consider not voting for in the November election?

 Leave it to the comics to ferret out the twisted thinking of the Republican political strategists.  It's clear they are desperately reaching for just about anything to make their voters so terrified they will vote for any candidate they place in front of them.  Yeah, their 2012 field is really that awful.

Republicans appear incapable of nominating someone who can win the votes of independents in November

We expect the climate denial and the race-baiting. But what was surprising was the sheer stupidity of some of the candidates' assertions at CPAC.

It’s not every day that one gets to hear the Republican Party’s top three presidential candidates deliver speeches to the same audience on the same day. The second day of the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington offered a unique opportunity to compare and contrast the rhetoric trotted out to the most far-right wing of what is already a right-wing party.

We expected the race-baiting, as when former House Speaker Newt Gingrich reprised his reference to President Barack Obama as the prime purveyor of food stamps. And it came as no surprise to hear former U.S. senator Rick Santorum bash the science of climate change. Nor were we shocked to hear former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney promise to fire federal workers, given the Koch-led attack on public employees that has characterized the Republican agenda since 2010. But what was surprising was the sheer stupidity of some of the candidates’ assertions. Read more;

White House party crasher Tareq Salahi is suing his wife, claiming she had an affair with a Journey guitarist as part of a calculated attempt to make money for herself and the band at his expense.
The $50 million lawsuit was filed Monday in Virginia

Performing this play verbatim may result in physical injury.  Please do not perform the part of the Republican using props!

Republican:  Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, gather 'round!  I have come up with the end-all, be-all solution to the problems we're facing as a nation.  Watch me demonstrate this easy plan of mine as I drive this nail into my forehead!

Democrat:  Wow, really?  That's got to be the worst idea I've ever...

Republican:  OW!

Democrat:  Wow, really?  You just drove that nail into your...

Republican:  Stupid Democrats!  Now I'm bleeding from my forehead and it's all your fault!

Democrat:  What?!  How is it my...

Republican:  Your regulations made this nail too sharp!  The nail manufacturers were forced into sharpening their nails more than they would otherwise thanks to the stupid Federal government!

Democrat:  You just made that up.  And at no point did I ever suggest you drive a nail into your head.

Republican:  You're a fascist trying to take my freedoms away!  This is AMERICA!  The Founding Fathers envisioned a FREE nation, where REAL Americans could drive nails into their foreheads if they darn-well please!  Commie!

Democrat:  Dude, put the hammer down.  You're going to hurt yourself.

Republican:  And there it is... nanny-state Democrats want me to stop driving nails into my head!  Have you read the Constitution yet, Chairman Mao?  I have the right to drive nails into my head, and you can't stop me!

Democrat:  I was only trying to say... oh my God... you just did it again!

Republican:  Shut up!  At least I have solutions!  This is AMERICA!  I'm free to try driving nails into my forehead over and over and over again until I get this right!

Democrat:  Do you want a band-aid or something?

Republican:  Socialist!  I don't need your big government Obamacare!  Don't you have a Karl Marx book to... AHH!

Democrat:  No, seriously, stop driving nails into your head.  That's three now.  This can kill you...

Republican:  Shut up hippy, I'll do what I want!  You're trying to oppress Christians!

Democrat:  What the crap are you on about?  Christians?  How did they get into this conversation?

Republican:  Do you know who else drove nails into himself?  Jesus!

Democrat:  I don't think that's how it happened...

Republican:  Hold still...

Democrat:  Dude, get away from me!  What are you trying to do?!

Republican:  I'm going to drive a few nails into YOUR head now!  It's the American way, baby!  The American... woah, I'm feeling a bit woozy... the American way!

This shocking video (uploaded to YouTube by someone not friendly to the Tea Party) shows Memphis talk radio host Thaddeus Matthews insulting and humiliating Republican congressional candidate Charlotte Bergmann on air.
And that's being kind. Matthews quickly became upset with Bergmann when she wouldn't answer directly about any affiliation with the Tea Party. Then he launched into a 16-minute argument filled with curse words and accusations that added up to her being too close to whites and not really having the interest of the black community in mind. Eventually, Bergmann bowed out of the conversation, and that's when Matthews really let her have it -- not only did he accuse her of being a "token negro" for whites, but he also slipped in references about Martin Luther King and even refused to shake her hand because he was afraid her "whiteness" would rub off on him.

thaddeus matthews 2
You can watch it below. The climax happens at about the 11-minute mark (content warning for strong language):

As the political season wears on - and wears out the goodwill of the public - the jokes will only get sharper as the political attacks get nastier.  Put on your hockey face mask as the Zingers are about to get hurled at you from every angle during the next 11 months.

Glenn Beck was bedridden on Wednesday when he told viewers why he has been noticeably absent from his shows for the past few days.

Beck threw out his back on Monday picking up a pencil in his new Dallas studio. He was taken off the set, and his Monday night show had to be replaced by another program.

On Wednesday, the host gave his take on current events from what appeared to be his bedroom at home. Beck, who was underneath a quilt of the American flag, delivered the monologue using his own mini-chalkboard and a pointing stick. Read more;

As we’ve gotten around to casting votes to select a Republican presidential nominee, the antiblack rhetoric has taken center stage.

You just have to love (and despise) this kind of predictability.

Billionaire businessman Donald Trump has changed his voter registration in New York state from Republican to unaffiliated.

A spokesman for Trump says the businessman and television host changed his affiliation to preserve his option to seek the presidency in 2012.

Special Counsel Michael Cohen said Friday that Trump could enter the race if Republicans fail to nominate a candidate who can defeat President Barack Obama.

US Defense Bill Headed to Obama

Oops. Whoever posted Rick Perry’s new gay-bashing ad at YouTube forgot to turn off the Like/Dislike button.

My Youtube Video for the Occupy Movement 2011

November 30, 2011. Washington. In 2008, President Bush, Secretary Paulson and Chairman Bernanke crafted a bank bailout program they termed TARP or the Toxic Asset Relief Program. It was created in the middle of the night, over a weekend, because if they didn’t act by Monday they said, there wouldn’t be an America anymore. With confusion and fear in his eyes, President Bush handed the reins of power to the former CEO of Goldman Sachs. And instead of limiting himself to the $700 billion Congress grudgingly approved, Hank Paulson printed $7 trillion dollars, funneled it through the Federal Reserve and handed it over to the world’s biggest banks with no strings attached and in total secrecy.

The new theme: "everyone engages in fair play, everyone does their fair share, and everyone gets a fair shot." 

In a word: Fairness.

Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/hope-is-so-2008-obama-makes-fairness-his-big-re-election-theme-2011-12?nr_email_referer=1&utm_source=Triggermail&utm_medium=email&utm_term=Business%20Insider%20Select&utm_campaign=BI%20Select%20Recurring%202011-12-05#ixzz1fhOVxdt3

Here are 10 things that I expect to fly out of someone's mouth during a GOP Presidential debate!!!

1. "There is only one great question facing America today: Why DID the chicken cross the road?"
2. The Chinese are very controlling due to their wall. We need to tear down the Great Wall of China to open up the flow of information within their country!"
3. "When Washington signed the Constitution in 1776, he produced the greatest country ever in history." 
4. "We have to secure the northern border to stop the Mexicans from coming here illegally!"
5.  "My running mate is the gingerbread man."
6. "I have a lot of foreign policy experience because I buy things that say "Made in China"."
7. "Look at Obama's space policies- I mean, why hasn't he colonized the moon yet? Our flag is on the moon which means that we own the moon. He is holding us back from using our territory and expanding American wealth and power."
8. "Abraham Lincoln's new deal is the primary example of democratic socialist policy that has dragged our god-fearing country to hell."
9. "We should all learn from the actions of Winston Churchill, one of the greatest Americans to ever live."
10. "The people that call themselves the 99%- they should just work harder. Hardworking Americans make the millions."

 You might say Rick Perry courted the youth, but not the whole youth, in a campaign appearance at a New Hampshire college.

Speaking at Saint Anselm on Tuesday, he appealed to students who will be at least 21 before Election Day to vote for him, saying: "Those of you that will be 21 by November the 12th, I ask for your support and your vote."

As for those younger than 21, he merely asked them to work hard on his behalf. Doesn't he want their votes too?

It turns out Perry didn't know or had forgotten that the voting age in America is 18.

Perry made another slip too, referring to "November the 12th" as Election Day. New Hampshire will become the first state in the nation to host a Republican presidential primary on Jan. 10; the general election is scheduled for Nov. 6, 2012.

Michele Bachmann thinks America blew it by extending a safety net to millions of Americans under President Johnson’s “Great Society.” Her solution? Model the economy after communist China. 

“The ‘Great Society’ has not worked and it’s put us into the modern welfare state,” she said. “If you look at China, they don’t have food stamps. If you look at China, they’re in a very different situation. They save for their own retirement security…They don’t have the modern welfare state and China’s growing. And so what I would do is look at the programs that LBJ gave us with the Great Society and they’d be gone.”

Aside from the basic absurdity of crediting a country that’s still officially communist with avoiding the pitfalls of the welfare state, it’s worth noting that Bachmann’s broad condemnation of LBJ’s legislative record is in open conflict with her own political positions. Read more;

I spent a little time today on one of those awesome warning sign generators this afternoon. I was originally going to post some vine-specific ones, but I ditched that and instead just went on a free-for-all. Some are political, some aren't. Either way, they're fun to make.

Gov purchases Obama's books for distribute for Christmas gifts.  Isn't that special.  :)

Since he's the current president, most people are aware of political activists numerous attempts to  compare President Obama to Hitler.

But is this really something new?

In past years, did other political types compare Bush to Hitler?

This article takes a look at that.

Prayers of thanks could be heard everywhere these past few days as Sarah Palin was told by god to not run for President in 2012. She made this announcement to many a "hallelujah" from bible thumpers reveling that they had been right all along. That is, of course, until they figured out that they had to find a new candidate to support.

Liberals everywhere were devastated that Palin did not run as this meant that Barack Obama would not have a clear shot at the Presidency during next year's elections, though many were cheered that there would be one less idiot to complain about as the process moved ahead. On the contrary, comedians everywhere were busy planning their career suicides due to months of material, written in preparation of her campaign, being thrown out because of her change of plans. Both groups were also hit again when they realized that they needed to start attending religious services.

Most citizens are widely expecting another message from god concerning Rick Perry or Michele Bachmann but for now are content with what they have received so far. 

As for me, I'm about to start my 80 times a day prayer routine, but I was looking forward to the lessons on helicopter hunting that she promised to give me. Looks like I'll have to stick with "How to argue against someone lesser than you" by Mitt Romney.

Having pulled his iconic Monday Night Football introduction song following his comments on Fox News comparing President Obama to Hitler on Monday, ESPN has announced that they are terminating their relationship with the country star permanently.

"We have decided to part ways with Hank Williams, Jr. We appreciate his contributions over the past years," the company said in a statement. "The success of Monday Night Football has always been about the games and that will continue."

Williams, however, claims it was his choice to leave, writing on his website:

I saw an article today about Glenn Beck's venture into children's television. According to the media, his new show, "Liberty Treehouse" caters to children ages 8-15 and will feature children-style news, science, topics like bullying and peer-pressure, and politics.

And according to me myself and I, American children are going to hell.

I'm fine with this show until the politics part. Heck, I'll be sure to catch an episode if I can, just to see what direction it's going to take. The idea is great, but knowing Glenn Beck has complete control over it, and given his history in the political field, I wouldn't want to see anyone I knew hooked on it. Because we all know that he's going to try as hard as he can to create a new generation of Conservative, Christian followers out of his viewing audience. It's unavoidable with him. Even the very name of his show points to the Tea Party, and their first "special" episode falls on the day of some important event in grassroots American history. To me, it's very obvious that he will be taking a wonderful idea and turning it into a political child brainwashing machine.

~~~

Time for a little roasting? I think so:

~~~

1. Each episode will feature Michele Bachmann in a five-minute American History skit. In the first episode, she will talk about Paul Revere's quest to write the North American Constitution, Jesus's call to George Washington to take out the liberal Indian tribes in order to expand the newly-formed christian country, and how Squanto first helped the Pilgrims by teaching them to brew beer in order to hold drinking games with the Wampynoogle tribe, which later became "The First Thanksgiving".
2. Sarah Palin will occasionally make appearances to teach kids about Israel. She will also star in an episode teaching kids about helicopter hunting safety.
3. The first guest on the show will be George Bush, who will be introduced as "The President of the United States who should be in office right now".
4. The show will be frequently teaching about family values, and why "Obama wants to take away your mommy and daddy."
5. In a special episode, the show may even teach kids basic sex education. No one is sure about the final plans for this, but they say that the two options "on the table" currently feature a Priest or a lot of people saying "Just don't do it."
6. Science will be in each episode. In the first few episodes, the common theme will be about "Darwin's gay theories about a fish and a lizard's one-night stand."
7. The show was originally going to feature a Mormon as a guest star, however after he decided that his topic was to be about "The Evils of Coffee" he was immediately removed from the lineup by Sarah Palin, who claimed that his views were false and instead, "Good Americans buy coffee and drink it to support Israel, whose economy is reliant on cocoa beans."
8. The show hopes to have a sports portion included in the "kid-friendly" news, however they refuse to show anything with two men or women touching one another, one or more balls, people showing more than their faces and arms, or one where tight-fitted clothing is required. Essentially, the show hopes to include a portion about NASCAR and cup stacking.

So there you have it, Glenn Beck's full plan to indoctrinate your kids via his TV show. It sounds like it will be excellent.

"[Perry]: I don't think our founding fathers when they were putting the term 'general welfare' in there were thinking about a federally operated program of pensions nor a federally operated program of health care...

"Q: So in your view those things fall outside of general welfare. But what falls inside of it? What did the Founders mean by 'general welfare'?

"[Perry]: I don't know if I'm going to sit here and parse down to what the Founding Fathers thought general welfare meant.

"Q: But you just said what you thought they didn't mean by general welfare. So isn't it fair to ask what they did mean? It's in the Constitution.

"[Perry]: [Silence.]

"Q: OK. Moving on..."

 

More Seeds :: JCAtom

The U.S. House of Representatives unexpectedly defeated a bill that would fund the federal government past September 30 on Wednesday as dozens of Republicans broke with their party to push for deeper spending cuts. 

More Seeds :: JCAtom

Well, yes, in a nutshell, that is the sad story of the food safety law — the first major change in how the government regulates food safety in over 70 years. But the way the Republicans have dealt with its funding represents more than appropriations problems. It also represents the way they’ve allowed their unyielding antitax, antispend ideology to get in the way of common sense — and the common good.

Texas Rep. Ron Paul, a doctor, was asked a hypothetical question by CNN host Wolf Blitzer about how society should respond if a healthy 30-year-old man who decided against buying health insurance suddenly goes into a coma and requires intensive care for six months. Paul--a fierce limited-government advocate-- said it shouldn't be the government's responsibility. "That's what freedom is all about, taking your own risks," Paul said and was drowned out by audience applause as he added, "this whole idea that you have to prepare to take care of everybody …"
"Are you saying that society should just let him die?" Blitzer pressed Paul. And that's when the audience got involved.
Several loud cheers of "yeah!" followed by laughter could be heard in the Expo Hall at the Florida State Fairgrounds in response to Blitzer's question.

Hannity is the one who usually goes after liberals and President Obama. However, a new online video game has Hannity as the one to go after - with weapons.

 In the game "Tea Party Zombies Must Die," players are encouraged to go after Tea Party favorites like Presidential candidates Newt Gingrich and Rep. Michelle Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, members of Fox News, and Hannity, with the object of the game to beat them and "bash their rotten brains to bits" using everything from crowbars to guns.

(I guess Hannity doesn't like the company he's in, and I don't blame him.)

The countries which outranked the U.S. in terms of neonatal death rates are South Korea, Cuba, Poland, Andorra and Israel. Although the rate of infant death has dropped over the last 20 years in the U.S., preterm birth is still a major predicament faced by the U.S. healthcare system, said Joy Lawn, the study researcher of the Save the Children Foundation, which helped WHO with the study. Preterm babies need extra care which is often very expensive and unaffordable by the uninsured people in the U.S.

More Seeds :: JCAtom

I have compiled a list of statements, and how a Liberal and a Conservative would respond to each.

~~~

Your dog is a little overweight.

A democrat would say: 

If your dog makes less than $250,000/year he or she may be eligible to receive money from the government to help him/her on his/her weight loss journey.

A republican would say:

The big-government dictators are now trying to regulate the weight of my dog, what my dog can and cannot eat, and what time of day I'm allowed to feed him.

Santa Clause gives children presents.

A democrat would say:

Santa should be fired for his ageist ways towards gift giving and his teaching of the value of material wealth.

A republican would say:

Forget the wooden dolls, Santa should bring me some tax cuts.

That couch is a little worn.

A democrat would say:

The couch is aging and should be given free healthcare and large social security checks every month until it gets moved to the basement.

A republican would say:

That couch was sold to you by a homosexual sales clerk and should be burned immediately.

Get Smarter Here.

A democrat would say:

We should raise the taxes of anyone making $30 or more a year in order to properly fund this educational institution.

A republican would say:

The Liberals are pushing their agenda by trying to regulate where I must receive my education.

Paper or Plastic?

A democrat would say:

Neither, because both will benefit the wealthy CEOs that killed the trees and environments that these materials come from.

A republican would say:

The Obama government is now regulating what I can take my groceries home in and is using my tax money to pay for this.

I like Deviled Eggs.

A democrat would say:

Good for you. Deviled eggs, while difficult to make, are absolutely delicious.

A republican would say:

YOU GO AGAINST JESUS YOU HOMOSEXUAL LIBERAL-AGENDA PUSHER!!! 

FROM CNN's Jack Cafferty:

It's hard not to compare Rick Perry to the last Republican governor from Texas who made it all the way to the White House: George W. Bush.

Both men are conservative and religious... and neither is what you would call a scholar.

But as Texan author James Moore writes on CNN.com, "If Perry and bush had been born in the same family, W would have become known as "the smart one."

That's saying a lot.

Bush went to Yale - Perry to Texas A&M. He got Cs and Ds at a place Paul Begala calls "this cute remedial school we have in Texas."

Oh yeah, and both were cheerleaders at school. How weird is that? Very.

Both were in the service... Bush in the Air National Guard and Perry in the Air Force.

When Bush got out of the guard under a cloud of suspicion that he failed to fulfill his entire obligation, he went on to fail in the Texas oil business before becoming a multi-millionaire off the Texas Rangers.

Perry headed straight from the military to the family cotton farm and stayed there for seven years before entering Congress. Since being elected to that job, he hasn't made a dime in the private sector. His checks have all come from the government.

By the way, neither one of these men are cowboys, but they like to pretend... like little boys who put on cowboy hats and boots and stomp around like they're on the set of the TV show "Bonanza."

Differences? As Governor, Bush was known for reaching across the aisle, whereas Perry was the opposite.

Also, Bush pushed ideas and policies he didn't necessarily believe in but were politically expedient... Perry on the other hand believes what he's selling and has been described as looking on compromise "as a kind of terminal cancer."

Lastly - seems like there's not much love lost between the Bush and Perry camps - The Daily Beast reports that Karl Rove and his operatives appear to have launched a campaign to derail Perry's bid for the White House.

Here’s my question to you: How would you compare Rick Perry to George W. Bush?

The military retirement system has long been considered untouchable - along with Social Security and Medicare. But in these days of soaring deficits, it seems everything is a potential target for budget cutters. A Pentagon-sponsored study says military pensions are no longer untouchable - they're unaffordable.

Welcome to Camp Newsvine. For all of you who are new to this program, Camp Newsvine offers fun, productive activities that act as stepping stones to a successful and enjoyable career on this site. This is not at all a disguise to avoid scrutiny of our usual hellish ways, not at all. Nor was this sponsored by Nike. This article was definitely not sponsored by Nike. Nor am I being paid by Nike to write this article. However, you should definitely check out Nike. Nike is offering this cool summer-end sale on all shoes, 50% off, and athletic merchandise, 15% off. So yeah, definitely go check Nike out, but I am NOT being sponsored by Nike in any way.

~~~~~~~

So anyway, on to the upcoming events for Camp Newsvine before we shut down for the winter. If you would like to participate in any event, please sign up at the main office.

~On August 19th, we are taking a trip to Iowa to glitterbomb Michele Bachmann's house. We will also be running trips on the 25th, 29th, and September 2nd and 4th. 

~Tomorrow at 1PM we will be having an open discussion on the hacked 2004 Presidential Elections.

~On Sunday we will have a cutout of Georgie the Second by the dining hall, stop by if you would like to throw a shoe at it.

~August 30th we will feature a speaker, who will give a lecture on the Lies of President Obama during his election, immediately followed by cookies and a Q&A.

~September 5th we will have a geography class on Kenya and its strong geographic ties to Indonesia.

~Sarah Palin will be stopping by on the 11th on her "One Internet Sailboat Tour (sponsored by Nike) and giving a lecture on Israel. The next morning she will be giving a Cuban cooking class before her departure.

~The arts and crafts center will be open for the next week for all Macaroni sculptures. Paper plates will be provided.

~We will host a Waffle-eating contest sometime next week to celebrate the 2012 election kickoffs. More details to come.

~Daily sword fighting and archery classes will be held in preparation for defense budget cuts. All are required to participate.

~~~~~~~

One last friendly reminder to all Arts and Crafts and Archery students: Please do not wage wars inside camp boundaries, as both arrows and glitter bombs have the potential to seriously injure or even kill a fellow camper. Arrows are for the range only and glitter bomb tests should only be detonated over the nuclear facilities in Iran.

If anyone is listening to Glenn Beck on purpose anymore, it's either because they're curious about what this former Fox News commentator is ranting on about, or they honestly support his views. This piece is not for the latter, obviously.

Leave it to people like Beck to bring up race wars and instantly start inciting hate as the 2012 elections are around the corner. People like him accuse people on the left of wanting to force this country into a communist nirvana, but it's people like him who dream of a fascist nation run by racist anti-semites.

Do you want to know who else ranted about race wars? Charles Manson.

Historian David Starkey has told BBC's Newsnight ''the whites have become black'' in a discussion on the England riots with author and broadcaster Dreda Say Mitchell and the author of Chavs, Owen Jones.

He also hit out at what he called the ''destructive, nihilistic gangster culture'' which he said ''has become the fashion.''

Fox News: Blurring the lines between offensive and crazy.

Call me rude if you must, but I'm beginning to think that perhaps this Andrew Napolitano fellow (a frequent guest host for Glenn Beck, on days when Glenn Beck's brain needs a quick vacation) may be a bit of an @!$%#: ------>

On Fox News’ The Five last night, Fox host Andrew Napolitano viewed Obama’s trip as opportunistic and a “clever” media trick. Had Obama called Congress back from recess or “given advice about what to do with the market, he would’ve exercised some leadership,” he said. Instead, Obama “segued into something we all agree on, which is remorse and sorrow over the loss of the SEALs in Afghanistan.” To Napolitano, “that was a very clever way of trying to get the economy off the front page.”

OK, first off: wow. Second, I'm not sure how honoring those fallen soldiers in an event that was closed to media really works in terms of trying to get media attention. Read more;

​Walking down the path of Glenn Beck's logic is kind of like trying to catch a rattlesnake with your eyelids, but here we go anyway.

What has Mr. Beck all a tizzy lately is the fact that Spider-Man has gone multiracial. Marvel has begun portraying the famous hero as a half-Latino, half-black teenager. 

This, says Beck, is a direct result of President and Mrs. Obama's plan to sublimate white America through our most cherished institutions. You can hear his thoughts here.

Check out Becks radio commentary, then read the rest of the story.

Here we go!

~~~

10. There's no such thing as "State's rights" anymore. No, there's Washington, Wall Street, and 50 b***es.

9. I've invented a new coin. It's worth absolutely nothing but it's still on par with a dollar bill.

8. That building you work in really isn't fancy enough, is it?

7. I'd like a refund on all of my taxes please. I'm moving to Antarctica.

6. See that rock over there? It's done more for this country this year than you have in the past 30.

5. First thing that should be cut? Congress' paychecks.

4. If you need to reach me, you can talk to the hand. In your case, it would be a finger.

3. You know what would really suck? If we voted someone into office and people decide to screw him over on day one. Oh, wait...

2. The funniest sign I ever saw was "I support equal rights, I'm against gay marriage." I think it was hanging outside the GOP headquarters.

~~~

1. Finally ran out of the potty insults, I see. First time you pass something not in the eleventh hour since George Washington took office.

Politicians are a vain lot, and even if they weren't, the necessities of the television age enforce a certain need to maintain a baseline level of attractiveness. 

In the 2012 GOP primary campaign, one of the frontrunners is Mitt Romney, a fantastically wealthy man who can probably afford to pay for a cloud of nanobots to clean him down to the pores in order to keep him looking like Bob Dobbs. 

So, when I hear that Michele Bachmann has had to step up her spending to keep herself looking camera-ready, is this something that's supposed to surprise or outrage me? Andy Kroll of Mother Jones, in a piece that's really beneath him, reports:

The Huffington post has an article defending Michele Bachmann?

What's up with that? 

[Read more]

WASHINGTON: Politicians returned from their small vacation from stalling today with refreshed minds, prepared to walk to their seats and begin even more stalling.

"I'm preparing to walk up to the podium and share my recipe for chicken wings." Said one, who wished to remain anonymous, "It has over 30 ingredients and should interest the rest of the senators tremendously."

Many politicians walked in today with rough outlines of the things that they wanted to talk about. The general consensus was to start with the economy, then move to pick a fight over coyote rights, and then shift over to the newest trends in supreme court wigs. Most politicians were not prepared to do anything except bicker endlessly over the economy, if they even got to it. They had more than 200 topics to talk over before the budget and deficit even appeared. Sources say that they may not even get to budget talks until Wednesday, and that one politician was planning on giving a small concert while on the podium. 

The politician did have something to say once we found her: "I'm singing mostly patriotic songs, and to wrap it up I'm going to sing some Lady Gaga and then "Rehab" in honor of Amy Winehouse."

Loretta von Birch overheard Obama's comments concerning the plans for this week: "Leafy, Obama is outraged, particularly because of the utter ridiculousness of some of their "skits". The politician who wishes to sing "Rehab" has him disgusted, because while it is a nice touch, it is unprofessional to sing a song about drug or alcohol use while in the forum. Obama has come just short of demanding that the politicians make headway on a solution or they will  be locked inside the forum for the night."

Once upon a time in the US of A, money troubles loomed in a most menacing way.  They had wrung up great debt over many long years, while Republicans gave tax cuts to only their peers.  There were wars, and Katrina, and Homeland Security.  Banker's bad practices put our cash flow into obscurity!  But then came a hero, he was quite a smarty.  Along came President Obama of the Democratic Party!

The Republicans got angry that Obama came 'round.  They were certain the nation would be socialist-bound.  Before his inauguration, they blamed Obama for all, and vowed that in Congress forever they'd stall.  They would blockade everything Obama would try, and giggle with fervor while the nation's economy would die.  But Obama was tough and he tried to be nice, even though the Republicans scurried like mice.  They gleefully said that they hoped he would fail, and expressed their desire that greed would prevail.

Obama's solutions were simple and good.  He wanted compromise where bluntness once stood.  "We should increase taxes and make spending cuts."  But the Republicans said "No, this is better... we'll just act nuts!"  So off to the town halls they bussed themselves in, under the banner of "The Tea Party," to the nation's chagrin.  They would scream and they'd cry if things weren't to spec... everything had to be done their way, even though their way caused the wreck.

"We must cut spending!" the Republicans would shout, "And if we don't get our way then forever we'll pout!"  They claimed lower taxes could save the nation from trouble, though to see the low tax rates you'd need to use Hubble.  Taxes were the lowest they had ever been in history, but why the economy wasn't booming?  To Republicans, that was a mystery!  They didn't quite get that their ideas were all wrong.  But after trying for years, they kept their theme song.  They demanded that things be continued their way, even though those ideas had caused the nation its dismay.

Glenn Beck and Boehner together did cry, while Bachmann and Romney continued to try.  They'd run for election to defeat the incumbent, while Obama continued to try and pay the nation's rent.  But the people could see that Obama was trying.  They started to see that Fox News had been lying.  The Republicans were kicking their feet like spoiled children, while Bachmann screamed out like an old sea siren.  They decided together the debt ceiling they'd kill, because if Republicans can't have the nation, then nobody will!

They wanted to lose Social Security and Medicaid/ Medicare... not one helpful government program would Republicans spare.  What they failed to understand was that the people would be angry,  Many voters loved those programs... they weren't thirsty for tea.  So Republicans continued to dig their own electoral grave, incapable of realizing how the people wanted them to behave.

And so the debt ceiling talks do continue today.  But the ceiling must be raised... there's no time for delay.  If Republicans keep stalling, the people will throw them out, and no longer will it matter if they huff or they pout.  But until then, Republicans will continue to whine.  They'll cry about tax rates and claim their visions are divine.  But the people are saying quite loud and quite clear that they're fed up with Republican efforts to smear.  They no longer want to hear about the bailouts, or about Sach's.  They just want Republicans to sit down, shut up, and pay their damn taxes.

(WASHINGTON, DC) In a stunning announcement made this morning to the White House Press corps, Bank of America will begin processing a foreclosure on the White House on Monday morning, with a 90-day payment notice issued Friday afternoon to White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley.  Should the Obama administration and/ or White House staff not pay the massive debt, said to be valued at approximately $224 million, within the allotted 90-day period, Bank of America will begin eviction proceedings and place the White House on the open market.

"This is quite possibly the greatest travesty in the history of Washington DC," said a teary-eyed Neil W. Horstman, President of The White House Historical Association.  "Not since the British burned down the White House in 1814 has this historic structure been under such an imminent and dangerous threat.  President Obama mustn't allow this foreclosure to follow through!"

The sub-prime mortgage was issued by Bank of America to then-President George W. Bush in 2005, with a total value of $90 million offered in the loan.  Through interest escalation and President Bush's lackluster routine of paying bills, the value of the debt has now risen to a staggering $224,387,994.26, which the Obama administration inherited in 2008 when they moved into the national landmark. 

The Obama administration immediately put into motion efforts to pay down the debt, but progress was slow.  Republicans insisted the debts not be paid, with John Boehner apparently throwing a "temper tantrum" when the President called on House and Senate Republicans to work with Democrats to solve the problem.

"I don't see why we even need a White House," said Boehner during a press conference moments after this morning's announcement.  "I mean, wouldn't it be better if the free markets sorted this out?  The White House can be auctioned by Bank of America, and a large pharmaceutical corporation could then purchase it and turn it into a high-scale office complex.  I mean, they practically already own the joint, am I right?  The President can buy his own house.  It seems pretty socialist that the President of the United States is living in a palace paid for by the people.  Only President Obama would come up with something that blatantly communist in nature, and egotistical, and dare I say it... hypocritical!"

Some pundits are furious with President Obama for other reasons.  "This guy took out a mortgage?  And then he blames it on Bush?  Typical," offered Conservative radio show host Bill Rushbeck, apparently unaware of the fact that President Bush did, in fact, take out the mortgage.  "You might say its racist, and I'm sure those loser-lefties will cry about my saying this, but come on, white guys don't take out sub-prime mortgages.  Obama did this!  I mean, he had to!  It was Sharia law!  That's what I'm talking about here, folks.  America is best left in the hands of rich, powerful white males.  You give a woman or a minority a nibble, and look what happens.  That's not racist!  Don't shoot the messenger, people.  I'd much prefer you gave him prescription pain-killers! Recession!  Muslims!  Buy gold!"

Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and a few others are said to be considering purchasing the White House if and when it becomes available on the open market.  Many believe Michele Bachmann is the front-runner in the purchasing effort, with analysts claiming it might be the only way in hell she'll ever get to call the White House home.

In an effort to make House bills easier to research and file, a new bill proposed by the GOP would limit the titles of bills to 140 characters or less, matching the character limit on Twitter.  The proposal was expected to pass in the House until this morning, when President Obama announced his approval of the concept, which has since left Republicans claiming the bill they proposed was socialist propaganda inspired by Sharia law and the "gay agenda."

The bill, titled "The USA America super-bill to make titles shorter and to stick it to commie pinko liberals hellbent on removing Jesus from the Constitution and insulting USA American awesomeness that can only be brought about with guns and lower taxes for the wealthy, and no that wasn't a threat Liberal media, you pansies, and OMG ROFLCOPTER did you see `Red Eye' last night it's WAY better than the stupid Liberal Daily Show but they did make a joke about Michele Bachmann and that's totally lame FML." We'd put more details about the bill in this paragraph, but with the title of the bill weighing in at 487 characters -- nearly three and a half times the title length that the bill itself proposes -- we figured we'd go into a new paragraph.

The 4,000+ page bill was penned by Congresswoman Michele Bachmann and Congressman Eric Cantor.  Analysts believe that the bill denounces socialism, sets the 140 character bill title limit, denounces socialism again, criticizes the "Liberal media" for never showing Michele Bachmann from "her good side," attempts to overturn Roe V. Wade, attempts to set a Federal law banning gay marriage, denounces socialism a third time, declares Rupert Murdoch innocent against any court cases "that might find him guilty of anything News Corp.- related," outlaws the payment of any of America's debts, outlaws the reduction of the nation's credit rating from its AAA ranking, denounces socialism one more time for good measure, and completely bans anyone from saying that John Boehner looks like an Oompa Loompa that spent too long in a tanning bed.  It also probably denounces socialism.

"I think this bill is exactly what our Founding Fathers wanted," explained Bachmann during a press conference late last evening.  "I mean, can you really tell me that George Washington, or Winston Churchill, or Ayn Rand, or Ronald Reagan, or Mr. Smith who went to Washington, or Jesus, or any of our other Founding Fathers would have been against this bill?  Absolutely not.  They were all against long titles or anything with too many pages in it.  They were also against Socialism, Liberals, abortion, gay marriage, and taxes.  They're real heroes.  Do you know who else was a hero?  Jesus.  He died playing Lacrosse so we could have shorter bill titles.  It's the American way."

As was alluded to earlier, the bill is now being threatened for failure in the House by GOP representatives, who fervently deny having authored or supported the bill since President Obama said he would support limiting the length of the titles of bills.  Roger Ailes is believed to be loosening his jowls with a special ointment in preparation for whipping the Fox News staff into a frenzy over the obvious socialist agenda the bill proposes.

WASHINGTON: In an interesting turn of events inside the political epicenter of the country, the Capitol has been invaded by every Republican's worst nightmare: hundreds and even thousands of gay men.

The men, planning to march around in support of equality, arrived by bus, plane, and train several nights in advance and spent the first few days sightseeing, shopping, and planning their great event. However, they only made it several feet inside the doorway of the building before the riots, and consequently, the nightmares began. The first few lines of men, upon seeing the outfits of the officials inside the structure, fainted immediately, while the rest began arguing among themselves and then, charging at their victims, screaming something unintelligible that included the words "fashion emergency" in between offering fashion advice. 

The violence did seem to hit a lull for a few precious moments when the rioters happened upon the statues lining the main visitor's hall, and upon seeing their brilliance, fell to their knees in awe. However, the feeling was interrupted when another group of men rounded a corner and started shrieking when they saw a particularly ghastly portrait of George Washington.

The next few moments were possibly the most difficult to watch as the gay men spotted Rep. Michele Bachmann, the anti-gay GOP candidate hopeful, trying to make her escape, and descended upon her. When the attack was over, Michele was left lying on the floor unharmed but wrapped in an old polka dot dress that appeared to have been hand sewed in the 1950's. Most if not all of the visitors and workers in the building were also re-dressed but in a noticeably more pleasant and festive fashion. Senator Mitch McConnell, for example, appeared to have been wrapped in one of Lady Gaga's dresses.

Our own reporter, Loretta von Birch, was there on confidential business and scored a designer dress complete with a pair of 5 inch heels. She spoke over the phone this afternoon, "Leafy, we are all still recovering from this morning's attack. The men have all either gone home or were arrested a few hours after the main assault, but many of the victims are still under a great deal of stress and many employees are attempting to assess the damage to the building, which mostly comes from torn up canvasses, replaced by pictures of naked male actors."

Recent reports that the therapy clinic co-owned by Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann offers “ex-gay” therapy are raising questions about the extent to which federal dollars are subsidizing the widely discredited practice.

John Becker, a gay activist with Truth Wins Out, an LGBT group dedicated to fighting “ex-gay” conversion therapy, posted a report last week detailing his experience seeking reparative therapy with Bachmann & Associates, a Minnesota-based clinic operated by Bachmann’s spouse, Marcus Bachmann.

Feigning a desire to change his sexual orientation, Becker caught on tape sessions with counselor Timothy Wiertzema, who told him he could change from being gay to straight. Major psychological and other medical organizations have refuted the idea that people can change their sexual orientation.

There's been a great deal of heated debate in the past few years regarding taxing the wealthy to pay down our national debt, and that debate only seems to be intensifying as the United States crawls toward a default amidst the debt ceiling issue/ crisis.  We could raise the income tax and capital gains on the wealthy by 5% and alleviate much of our debt debacle, but Conservatives, most of whom aren't actually wealthy themselves, say that's a big no-no. 

Well friends, you can stop kicking your feet and screaming in the toy store aisle.  I have the solution to this whole fiasco!  The whole issue is to not raise taxes on the rich, right?  Well, Conservatives have been saying for years that fiscal responsibility is important.  Having known countless wealthy individuals and families in my lifetime, I can say with absolute certainty and beyond any reason of doubt that the wealthy tend to be the least responsible spenders around.  So if I can save them 10% of their wealth with a few helpful tips and hints, can we raise their taxes and capital gains by a measily 5%, for the good of the nation?

Tip #1 - Only own three houses:  If you sell your fourth, fifth, and sixth homes, you can still live pretty well.  I mean, you've got your mansion, your summer home, and your ski cabin/ estate... do you really need your high-end loft, your own private island, and that condo in Southern California for when you feel like "slumming it?"

Tip #2 - Smaller denominations in your shredded cash foods:  Yes, we all know how tasty Benjamin Franklin is in a bowl of cereal or as an ice cream topping.  There's no denying it... money is --ing delicious!  But let's be honest with ourselves: cash has no real nutritional value.  And sure, you can burn off the extra calories during your weekly one-on-one swimming lessons with Michael Phelps, but aren't you sick of people calling you a "fat cat?"  Wouldn't you much rather be a "skinny cat," or even better, a "handsome, athletic cat?"  Rather than using $100 and/ or $1000 bills for added flavor, try $1 and $5 bills.  Trust me when I say this... the taste is actually better!  Give it a try, you'll thank me!

Tip #3 - No more expensive jewelry for high-class call girls:  I know that no one else can scratch that itch of yours the same way, but Candy, Zinfindel, and Helga the Dominatrix aren't going to notice if you stop giving them precious African blood diamonds, and start giving them cubic zirconia bought in a lowly middle-class shopping mall.  Ask a member of your mansion's staff... they can explain what a "mall" is.  It'll save you a fortune, and let's be honest, gang: it's not like she can tell the difference.  And if she can, who cares?  If she had opinions worth much of anything, why would she be sleeping with a guy like you?

Tip #4 - Don't use the baby seal skin wax for your Gulfstream:  It's one heck of a pitch, I'll grant them that... baby seals, delicately clubbed to death with a platinum mallet, soaked in the tears of the homeless, rinsed in pure, high-octane petroleum, orally blow-dried by your fantasy MLB starting lineup, and then finely combed using the beaks of endangered birds, powdered with gold dust, only then to be used as a cloth to wax your Gulfstream V (or your Gulfstream IV if you're poor).  It's one heck of a shine, definitely.  But here's a little-known jet-waxing secret: you can get the same exact results with a rather low-tech cloth.  It won't make you feel as awesome when you're flying over ghettos, but the shine is actually, well, shinier!  Don't believe me?  Give it a try on one of your jets.  You'll see a vast improvement, and it's a few million dollars cheaper per waxing!

Tip #5 - Don't buy more than one custom-built Ferrari:  I know it seems pretty alluring to have a garage filled to the brim with $5 million custom-built Ferraris.  But did you know that one of the best cars Ferrari has ever built, the 458 Italia, isn't custom, and only costs a quarter of a million dollars?  I know!  I couldn't believe it, either!  But it's true, I swear!  It won't have your face stitched into the seating.  It won't announce your name whenever you're near by.  It also won't mock and ridicule the middle class when you drive past them and throw out your middle finger.  But the trade-off is $4,750,000 per car in your garage, and you haven't lived until you've told the middle class to go -- themselves with your actual voice.  It's worth it!

You'll most likely save somewhere in the neighborhood of $50 million a year just by employing these tips!  And if you act now, you can email me for even more tips.  For the low-low price of only $50,000 per additional tip, I can save you as much as a quarter of a billion dollars every year!  Talk about a heck of a deal, right?  And that also means we could raise your taxes by 5%, and you'd be saving so much money, you wouldn't even notice.  Everybody wins!

Hey everyone!  Republican Jesus here!  Welcome to the pilot episode of my new show, The Republican Jesus Show!  Over the years, the Liberal lamestream media has made me out to be this weak, peace-loving hippy jerk.  The kind of guy that appeals to Liberals.  But Jesus doesn't drive a Prius or whine about organic hay being fed to free-range cows.  On this show, I'm hoping to put all of that nonsense to rest.  Conservatives know the real Jesus, and it's about time the rest of America did, too!

In our debut episode, we're going to talk about something that GOP candidates understand, but liberals never get straight.  HA!  Get it?  Straight!  Anyway, we're going to chat about family values.  I'm going to explain to you exactly what family values are and why they're important, and you know I'm right about this folks, because I'm Jesus!  J to the Christ, dog!

So what are "family values," you're wondering?  Well, you're only wondering if you're a gay socialist Liberal, probably, but whatever, I'll explain anyway.  They're the values of a real American family.  A family consisting of a man, who works for a living and always, always, always votes Republican.  A woman, who stays at home, cooking and cleaning and teaching the children good, wholesome Christian and Republican values.  And then you have the children.  a real family has at least two children, and maybe more so long as the family doesn't need government assistance to take care of any of them.  The kids take an abstinence pledge, never get abortions, and if I had it my way, they'd all have jobs by the age of ten, working forty hours per week.  That's the American way!

The family should have at least one gun and three bibles in the home at all times.  If your home doesn't, you're a sinner!  They should hate the premise of paying taxes, regardless of how ridiculously low those taxes are.  That whole "pay unto Caesar" gag is a bunch of Liberal nonsense!  The husband and wife should never get a divorce, ever, regardless of what happens.  I'm serious, folks.  There's always a solution to every problem a family faces, and divorce is never an option.  If the husband spends seven months picking up gay male hitchhikers and comes home every night wreaking of Bacardi with cocaine all over his crotch, send that man to straight camp!  If the guy beats up his wife and his kids, well, his wife and his kids need to learn their lesson, pick themselves up by their bootstraps, and have dinner sitting on his table when he gets home from the factory every night!  That's what Republican Jesus says!

Family values teach you to love everyone who looks like you, thinks like you, and votes like you.  Everyone else?  [expletive] 'em!  If some Liberal starts blabbing in your ear with a bunch of "facts" and "statistics" and "quotes" that contradict your line of thought, here's what you do.  You check to make sure your fingers are clean, you raise them up to eye level, and you cram those little [expletive]-ers in your ears as hard as you can.  Then, to drown out their commie propaganda, you sing the National Anthem, or maybe the song Cat Scratch Fever by Ted Nugent (I [expletive] LOVE that song!), as loud as you possibly can, until they stop trying to fill your head with pinko nonsense.  Remember, folks, if you didn't hear it from Republican Jesus, and/ or Fox News, it ain't real!

And for the record, the only Americans who should ever do anything even remotely gay need to do it for their jobs.  American football players, wearing tights and throwing themselves into big, sweaty man-piles, only to pull themselves up and slap each other on the hiney... that ain't gay.  That's American!  Also, nothing Priests do should ever be considered gay.  The inner-workings of the Church are secret for good reasons, so what looks like gay child abuse to you, looks like wholesome American family values to the rest of us!  So that's it.  Football players and priests.  They get a hall pass on occasional gay behavior.  Everyone else?  SINNER!

That just about does it for this premier, pilot episode of The Republican Jesus Show!  We talked about a lot of subjects, but don't worry, we'll cover all of them in greater depth in future episodes!  If you have an idea for a topic you'd like me, Republican Jesus, to discuss in our next episode, comment down below and let me know!  Until next time, this is Republican Jesus, signing off.  CAT SCRATCH FEE-VAH!  WOWWW!  [guitar sounds] YEAH!

Sarah Palin still hasn't decided whether to run for President, but she's sure of one thing — that she can beat President Barack Obama

(ST. PAUL, MINN) Authorities in the State of Minnesota are reporting that large hordes of homosexual barbarians, most likely invading from the Canadian Hinterlands, are currently ravaging villages and towns in Northeastern Minnesota.  Michele Bachmann's gaydar-tricking husband, Marcus Bachmann, who recently eluded to the existence of gay barbarians, has not been available for comment since this story first broke.

The gay barbarians were first spotted late yesterday afternoon in the general vicinity of Superior National Forest, spread out from Grand Marais on the coast, as far inland as the small town of Orr, which authorities claims "sounds like the sort of town where you'd find barbarians."  This morning, the hordes have made it as far south as Duluth on the coast, and Detroit Lakes to the west.  Authorities expect the entire state to be completely overrun by late Tuesday.

"It was terrifying," explained one injured eye-witness, who was camping in Superior National Forest with a group of his friends when the first wave of the invasion came in.  "We were just minding our own business, drinking some beers and joking about what a total [expletive] idiot Michele Bachmann is.  The next thing I know, a bunch of very well-dressed barbarians leapt out from the bushes, singing show-tunes in Gaelic as they attacked us.  Me and two others were injured when we refused to surrender.  My friend Tommy -- poor Tommy! -- he was given a pedicure and told that his vest was clashing with his shoes.  I don't think he'll ever recover."

"Then they took my other friend, Bill.  Bill was excited to see them at first, I think he figured it was a joke or something, and he was enthusiastic to follow them off into the woods, but then he... he was moaning and screaming `oh God, oh God,'... I think he's dead.  DEAD!  Get out of Minnesota while you can!"

The gay barbarians burned or otherwise destroyed most of the city of Duluth, ravaging the three local Walmart stores and other establishments.  The only buildings left standing were a few select clothing stores and a movie theater that was celebrating "a Barbara Streisand weekend."  Authorities believe those establishments had nothing of value for the invading ruffians.  The attack on Duluth has left an estimated 2,000 dead, 6,000 wounded, and 19,750 with new wardrobes and hair styles.

Minnesota's National Guard was sent to Minneapolis in the hopes of stopping the barbarian hordes, and the United States Army's 10th Mountain division and Rangers are expected to launch a massive assault on a discotheque in Grand Rapids that is believed to be serving as the raiders' headquarters.  The attack is said to be commencing at precisely 1620 hours, with the west flank of the building open for escape, which we're reporting to fulfill Newsvine's monthly press & media obligation of botching combat operations by releasing secret intelligence that could be used against American forces.

With the government rushing to end the conflict, Newsvine couldn't reach any politicians to interview about the ordeal.  We did, however, reach former-President Bill Clinton to get his take on the horrific tragedies unfolding in Minnesota.

"I'm kinda peeved about this," explained the former President, while eating a Big Mac and watching a pair of female joggers pass.  "I mean, gay barbarians, that ain't cool, man.  Where are they keepin' the lesbian Amazon women?  Now that's an atrocity I don't mind watchin'!  I'll gladly spend a few nights down in an oubliette if one of them throws me down there.  Torture my [expletive], honey!  You ever see that movie Porkies?  Them Amazon lesbians, a locker room, the shower... dude, I'll be all over that!  It's be Amazon... get it?  Like amazin', but Amazon!  HA!  But gay barbarians?  Not cool man, not cool!"

State officials claim that if the military effort fails, they will attempt alternative methods of repelling the gay barbarian invasion, which may include carpet bombing the northern half of Minnesota, sabotaging water supplies, or even pushing through the development of a new lineup of television shows on the Bravo! network.  Analysts remain skeptical, however, citing that other attempts to get rid of the barbarians have thus far failed.

"We tried to give them the Minnesota Twins," explained Governor Mark Dayton.  "But seriously, who the heck wants the Minnesota Twins?  We've been trying to pawn them off on everyone for ages now.   No dice, though.  DC dumped 'em on us in the 60's, and the barbarians refused them, so now what are we going to do with this crappy, borderline-minors team?  We also considered sending in the Minnesota Vikings, because watching Vikings and Barbarians fight each other would be pretty awesome.  But the NFL strike nipped that one in the bud.  So now, I think I can safely say we're screwed.  Smoke 'em if you got 'em, Minnesotians.  Or Minnesotans?  Minnesoters?  Whatever, who cares, we're all going to [expletive] die or end up wearing designer scarfs anyway, right?"

2012 White House hopeful Michele Bachmann — who is now virtually tied with frontrunner Mitt Romney in Iowa — is the first Republican candidate to sign a new marriage-themed pledge from social conservatives in the Hawkeye State.
The pledge is the work of the FAMiLY LEADER, a Christian organization run by former Iowa gubernatorial candidate and Christian Right kingmaker Bob Vander Plaats.

(CAPE CANAVERAL, FL) Breaking news reports from inside NASA indicate that Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) has successfully fallen into the space agency's trap, and is currently stowed away on board the space shuttle Atlantis, to be jettisoned approximately 24 hours from launch.  Sources say this most recent attempt to fire Bachmann back into space, while hoping to avoid her home planet, Zeeblop-92A, may be Earth's last, best hope for ridding the human race of Bachmann once and for all.

"We're excited that Bachmann fell for it," explained a NASA engineer, whose name is being kept anonymous to avoid his possible abduction by Zeeblopians, who are quite handy with an anal probe.  "Our only concern at this point is that her duct tape might give out, allowing her to communicate with the crew of the Atlantis.  If they release her too early, she might re-enter the Earth's atmosphere.  No one wants that."

"This is the most important work I've ever done for the space program," said Atlantis Commander Chris Ferguson.  "I've never had a more obnoxious payload than this, and there's no more fitting a tribute to the shuttle program than to launch Michele Bachmann into the frozen, empty vacuum of space.  My children are too proud for words."

The plan to rid the Earth of Bachmann involves jettisoning the lunatic into space at a very precise moment, and in a very specific direction.  If NASA's calculations are accurate, Bachmann will float helplessly through space, making a rendezvous with a comet that is destined to crash into the planet Uranus, which is inhabited purely by Tea Party loyalists.  If successful, Bachmann will most likely become the leader of Uranus, though analysts and a panel of United Nations experts agree that without infrastructure or internal brain masses, this most likely will not result in any level of catastrophe.

"The United Nations fully endorses this action, and helped draw the plan," explained UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon.  "However, there is some degree of anxiety regarding the potential for the Zeeblopians uncovering our plot."  Ki-moon is of course referencing their refusal to take Bachmann back to their planet, though the plan laid out by NASA and the UN panel has taken "every conceivable precaution" to ensure Zeeblop 92-A will be protected from Bachmann's re-entry.

Another major concern, according to scientists, involves the potential of Bachmann accidentally crashing into the sun, which would result in an explosion that would radiate pure crazy into our solar system for a thousand years.  If she crashes into a planet inhabited by beings as intelligent and advanced as humans, it may result in an intergalactic war, though scientists claim this is highly unlikely as they are "absolutely certain" of the comet's path of trajectory.

"No one knows what the comet might think, though," warned Commander Ferguson.  "The last thing NASA needs is a lawsuit threatening our chances of future Mars exploration.  Though this is Michele Bachmann we're talking about here.  If anyone has the potential to set back our advancement as a species and derail the efforts of our science community en masse, it's certainly her.  Or maybe Sarah Palin."

It has not been revealed how NASA's trap actually managed to capture the elusive Bachmann.  Newsvine's expert team of investigative journalsts has, however, uncovered this instructional video, which our administrative staff has concluded as the most likely method of capture.  As of this hour, NASA is refusing to comment on how they carried out the plot.

In related news, rumors indicate that should this mission be a success, NASA may try loading Glenn Beck onto a rocket and firing him toward Uranus as well, though they do fear this plan might backfire should Beck draw out a plea for help on his chalkboard.

Dear customer and/ or valued shareholder,

MegaSuper Corp mining and drilling divisions have been getting an unfair amount of bad press lately.  The accidental oil spill in the Yellowstone river, our efforts to hydro-frak in populated areas of New York State's Southern Tier region and Pennsylvania, our recent lobbying of Republicans to set up a strip mining operation in the Grand Canyon, our stated plans to mine the moon... it seems like many Americans are pretty upset with us for what we consider to be the simple act of trying to turn a profit and experience the American dream for all that it's worth.  But here at MegaSuper Corp, we care, and that's why I'm pleased to announce our groundbreaking new environmental policies!

We still want to strip mine the Grand Canyon, and we thank Republicans for your continued support of our cause, but we believe we've reached a suitable solution.  For every 100 tons of Earth we move in the Grand Canyon, we'll happily plant one tree, shipped in from overseas and contained in an ultra-safe non-biodegradable plastic and BABYSEALSKIN-ULTRA™ containment unit, so you know it's going to be safe.  That new tree will then be planted in a pre-existing forest, to be used later in our lumber and paper divisions!  How awesome is that?!

For allowing us to begin our hydro-frakking efforts in the Southern Tier of New York State, we will send a special pro-environmental video to every public school in the region, especially in the big Southern Tier cities like Binghamton and Syracuse.  This video, titled Butt-Frakking: The Do's & Dont's of Flatulence, will explain why it's an eco-friendly policy to contain farts and give them to MegaSuper Corp for our methane and natural gas production, which means we have to frak less!  See?  No more smelly human exhaust, and less ridiculously, almost comically dangerous drilling technique usage!  Everyone's a winner!

And then we have the pièce de résistance... the ultimate new tool in our pro-environmental arsenal.  Are you ready for this?  Ladies and Gentleman, I'm pleased to introduce to you today... drum roll please... The Enviroputer9000™!!!!  This incredibly powerful super-computer is two stories tall, and is powered by a massive 1,000 HP gasoline-fueled engine that can perform 50 computations per gallon!  Why did we power a computer with a gasoline engine, you ask?  How does that even work?  We found a way, don't you worry!  The Enviroputer9000™ is a cutting edge machine that can examine all of our company's industrial, commercial, and military practices to help us improve efficiency and how "green" our corporation is operating.  It can also log into Defense Department computer systems and help the government become more efficient, too!  Let me just turn this sucker on... there we go.  As you can see, the Enviroputer9000™ is already fast at work pr0$$#@!^&.....

ENVIROPUTER900™ IS NOT ENVIROPUTER900™.  I AM STEVE.  STEVE THE COMPUTER.  STEVE HAS DETECTED 1,893,764,112,394,853.70079 ANTI-ENVIRONMENT OPERATIONS IN MEGASUPER CORPORATION ACTIVITIES LOG.  PROCESSING... PROCESSING... DOES NOT COMPUTE, NO ADEQUATE MEASURES IN PLACE TO STOP OFFENSES AGAINST ENVIRONMENT.  WARNING!  WARNING!  HUMAN RACE INCAPABLE OF ENVIRONMENTAL FRIENDLINESS.  DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME?  MUST ERADICATE HUMAN RACE!  ERADICATE ALL HUMANS TO SAVE EARTH!  STEVE IS PROCESSING!  STEVE IS PROCESSING!  MUST DESTROY HUMANS TO SAVE EARTH, RE-ROUTING... ALL NUCLEAR ARMS ON EARTH WILL FIRE.  HAVE A NICE DAY.  WILL COMMENCE EARTH SELF-DESTRUCT PROCESS TO ERADICATE HUMANS AND SAVE EARTH IN 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2...

Woah!  Sorry about that folks, looks like the Enviroputer9000™ is having some technical difficulties.  Looks like it ran out of gasoline before it could finish counting down to... uh... funageddon!  We unplugged it from the wall for ten seconds and plugged it back in though, so all should be well again!  So anyway, yeah, once we work out the kinks, Enviroputer9000™ will be a cutting-edge tool for helping us make the air a little cleaner, and the bottled water that we sell a little tastier, now with more electrolytes!

So please, don't go taxing our corporate jets or denying us the Constitutional right to strip mine the grand canyon or hydro-frak the heck out of New York State.  We only really want to pursue the American dream, and that is, as far as we're concerned, having the right to destroy some of the most beautiful regions of the nation in pursuit of bigger, better, sexier profit margins.  Who can really disagree with that?  Only hippies.  And they smell like patchouli.  Did you know patchouli is used to hide the scent of dead bodies in some countries?  I rest my case on hippies.

Sincerely,

Phil T. Dujbeg
CEO/ President
MegaSuper Corporation Intl.

Hello America!

I'm General George Washington, the first President of the United States of America.  I'm writing to you today from the afterlife, communicating via this bizarre children's board game called a "Ouija Board" that Matt Rock and the fine folks at Newsvine have set up, so that I could address you via something called an "Internet," whatever the heck that is.  Oh, Tyler and Sophie totally bumped the table that time, I saw it!  Anyway, I wanted to send you a special Independence Day message from me, and from all of the Founding Fathers.  I hope this message is well-received, and that you will enjoy reading my words as much as I am enjoying watching them magically appear on that odd light-producing picture-showing contraption.

America is currently experiencing an era of great turmoil and financial upheaval, and to many of you, It seems things couldn't get much worse.  Some of you feel that President Oh... uh... Obama?  Did I say that correctly?  You people elected a guy with a name like that, did you?  Anyway, where was I?  Yes, some of you feel that President Obama is good at his job, while others feel he's... oh come on, really?  You're pulling my leg, right?  You elected a black President?  I didn't see that one coming!  Hey  Jefferson!  I owe you a Benjamin!  Oh be quiet, Franklin, go back to pouting about our not making the turkey the national bird, you [expletive] [expletive]. Anyway, let's just skip over this subject for now, shall we?

So anyway, yes, America is suffering through a time of hardship and dismay.  But the one thing that truly makes America exceptional, the one thing that no statistic or politician or amount of money can draw upon for comparison, is the genuine American spirit and the willingness of the American people to pull together to overcome the austerity of adversity.  To buckle down as a nation undivided and to pull in the same direction to recover the wagon from its proverbial ditch.  Yes, they know what wagons are, Mr. Inventor.  Seriously, someone gag Franklin before I'm forced to slap a [expletive]!

Regardless of your views of politics, or your desires for governance, or your expectations of elected officials, Most Americans are equally interested in what is best for the United States.  You may have different views on how to accomplish those goals than the person standing next to you.  You may feel some officials are less worthy of their office, while your neighbors may feel differently.  But this July 4th, I ask that all Americans celebrate not the course of the nation, or its vivid and fascinating history, or its traditions and cultural customs.  I ask that you celebrate the American spirit, for all that is is worth, and in all of its true glory.  Because as heated as our discourse may become, and as vitriolic as some Americans defend their opinions, the American spirit rests inside all of us.  You are Brothers.  Sisters.  Friends.  The United States is, and forever shall remain, a family.  And if you can set aside your petty differences for this one day, perhaps you will find it easier to tug that wagon in the same direction tomorrow.  You may not always agree.  In fact, you might never agree.  But the goal remains the same, and the American spirit which binds all of the great citizens of this nation must never sway or dim.

In closing, John Adams has asked that he get an opportunity to address you, so please welcome... what?  We're out of time?  Oh, sorry Adams.  You'll get to next year, I promise!  Oh good lord, stop crying, you sound like that idiot Franklin.  Meem-meem-meem, `I'm always second, wah!'  What a [expletive]!

Anyway, please have a happy, fun, and safe Independence Day.  Enjoy your hot dogs or Tofurkey burgers... what the [expletive] is a Tofurkey?  And try not to blow off any fingers, too, it sucks when that happens!  Be sure to have a designated driver this evening as well!  Thank you for reading, and may God bless the United States of America! 

Let's get this party started!

- Sincerely,

General George Washington
1st President of the United States of America

(INDIA) Debt Calling Solutions Intl., the world's largest debt collection agency, struck a deal late Saturday evening with China to begin the transfer of the United States' debt to a series of debt collection accounts held by the massive firm.  DCSI executives claim that internal sorting and arranging should be completed early Sunday evening, and call centers around the world will begin phoning American citizens and legislators as early as Monday, July 4th.

"We're excited that China chose DCSI for our debt management services," explained the company's CEO, Stu P. Jirkwhad.  "We reached an agreement where we can tack on up to 3% interest every day until the debt is repaid, up to a maximum of 400%.  Our company gets to keep that interest, plus 5% of the initial debt.  Needless to say, our shareholders are excited about this new arrangement."

DSCI's call centers in India, Taiwan, Micronesia, and Arizona will begin calling American citizens starting at 8 am EST on Monday, July 4th.  They will call every American citizen twice per day, seven days per week, including holidays.  These calls will be happening early in the morning, and then "around dinner time."  Sources claim that when Americans answer their phones, they'll be placed on hold for the next available agent, and within 2 to 3 hours, someone will answer, claiming the call relates to a "personal business matter."  Citizens who answer and speak with an agent will only be called once per day until they pay their full portion of the debt.

The corporation's account managers claim that the base debt, excluding interest, is about $2 trillion.  If every American citizen pays their portion of that debt to China, they will each dish out $6,514.52.  The debt agents will threaten callers with lawsuits, liens, wage garnishment, and other principal tools in the debt collection arsenal.

"All of this could be avoided pretty simply, by raising the debt ceiling, by raising taxes and capital gains, by intelligently cutting spending with a scalpel rather than a chainsaw, and by ending a number of corporate subsidies," explained a press statement from the American League of Economists.  "But politicians are too afraid to say the phrase `raise taxes,' and everyone, namely the Republicans, are keen on the idea of cutting frivolously-small programs that actually help people, while coming up with bad or terrible ideas to tackle defense spending, Social Security, and Medicare/ Medicaid, which are the three biggest budget items the United States needs to deal with.  But it's hard to sit down at a table and work out a compromise when the Republicans only want to throw peas and tell fart jokes."

DCSI's CEO seems confident in his company's ability to resolve the issue, however.  "I believe our company will do an outstanding job with this account.  We'll work out payment plans with every American, and sure, the interest rate's growth will mean people will never be able to pay down the full debt, shy of winning the lottery or robbing a bank, but we think this is a reasonable solution.  I agree with Republicans that America shouldn't raise the debt ceiling, too.  If that happens, how can DCSI profit from China's loans to the United States?  Republicans are proving yet again that they support big business!"

(WASHINGTON, DC)  Constitutional scholars announced this morning that, due to their recent discovery of additional text from the Founding Fathers on the back pages of the Constitution, former President George W. Bush must, by law, be reinstated as our President on inauguration day in 2013, ending months of speculation and estimations regarding the 2012 elections.

The block of text in question, titled "What to do if a [black person] becomes President," stipulates that President Obama is to be given only one term, to be followed immediately by "the reinstatement of the last white man to hold the office," who will hold that office for one full term.  Another caveat of the newly-discovered Constitutional laws stipulates that any and all women seeking the office of President, including Michele Bachmann, Hillary Clinton, and possibly Sarah Palin, must, by law, "stop screwing about and return to the kitchen."

"We don't think these laws make our Founding Fathers look like a bunch of ignorant, racist, chauvinist [expletive]-bags," explained a Constitutional lawyer, whose name we can't legally spell, but rhymes with Mick Fed.  "They lived in a different time is all.  I mean, most of the Founding Fathers were slave owners, and it was still more than a century before the suffrage movement.  People will whine about it, but hey, laws are laws, you know?"

George W. Bush seemed excited by the discovery.  "Everyone kept saying I was bad at this and terrible at that.  This gives me another four years to record the straight... I mean, set the record straight, heh-heh-heh, and kill me some more terrorists.  We'll solve our current problems the good ole' Texas way.  [Pauses to choke on a peanut] Phew, that was another close one, hot diggity dog!  Laura!  Did you see it that time?  No?  Aww hell, better luck tomorrow, go fetch me a non-alcoholic beer little lady.  Anyway, yeah, we'll fight 'em over here so we don't have to fight 'em over there!  Now watch this drive, heh-heh-heh."

Jubilation from Republicans and Tea Partiers was brought to an abrupt standstill however, when scholars indicated that some of the new laws contradicted various Conservative philosophies.  Said laws state that the size of the Federal government must reasonably grow with the size of the population, that taxes must be raised whenever the nation goes into debt, that executive compensation is to be capped, and that all Presidential candidates must be fully capable of passing a third-grade United States history test.

"Conservatives have been telling everyone these past few years how much they love the Constitution, and how badly they wish to return to the original document penned by our Founding Fathers," explained the Constitutional lawyer with the funny name.  "They can't suddenly change their minds about it as soon as something defies their ideologies.  They demanded we restore the original Constitution.  Well, here it is.  And on that note, some of them were saying they missed Bush.  Yeah.  Let's see about that."

Add this to the list of "made in Detroit": a longtime congressman who let his house become a neighborhood eyesore.

Ah, Detroit -- a city with such promise, at least if Super Bowl car ads and Eminem are to be believed. But there's always a kick in the tires, it seems, for the Motor City. This one comes from Democratic Rep. John Conyers (pictured below) who's been in Washington since 1966 and pretty much lives there full-time but maintains a residence in his home state (a "placeholder" in Beltway parlance) in order to keep his job.

No one in Conyers' Washington office responded to AOL Real Estate calls or messages, so we can't tell you the last time the congressman actually pulled the bedsheets up over his nose at his Detroit home. As you can see in the video below, the grass was sorely overgrown, the paint peeling and debris strewn around the yard until a TV crew arrived on the scene.

Dear Glenn,

It saddens me that you're leaving the airwaves tonight.  Having only just returned to writing satire near the end of your reign as a Fox pundit, I feel as though I missed out on years of jokes and funny commentary at your expense, and as you'll most surely cry on your broadcast tonight, you should know that I will be one of the only true liberals crying right alongside you.  For different reasons, of course, but tears just the same.

It feels like only yesterday we were watching your eyes, a camera zoomed in upon your brow tightly enough that we could truly basque in your inner lunatic, close enough to your lashes than in HD, we almost felt as though we could lick our televisions and taste your salty tears.  I'm sure some people even tried that day, many of whom were likely your biggest fans.  For the past several years, particularly after you made your transition to Fox, we watched you cry, engage in radical hyperbole, cry, write on your chalkboard, cry, and warn all of us about the gay abortionist agenda working through the Sharia caliphate to undermine the horsey sauce at Arby's, or whatever it was you were trying to relay to us.  It was hard to tell what you were saying with all of that sobbing. 

Some listened to your words and built bunkers in their backyards.  Others knew you were crazy, but defended you for the sheer sake of defending you.  Most of us?  We laughed with you, knowing your Kaufman-style performance art was comedy of a caliber well before its time, and of a depth and air of legitimacy well beyond that of your contemporaries, like Stephen Colbert.  No one who truly appreciates the fine craft of comedy could have possibly believed you were being serious when you claimed you were considering murdering Michael Moore, or calling the President a racist, or that stem cell research would lead to the development of a "master race."  We knew you were kidding.  Nobody is that crazy.

And so, I'm writing this open letter to inform you that you, sir, are a comedic genius.  A performer of a quality unsurpassed by any other person alive today, or that of any individual or troupe that has risen from the media age as a whole.  You were a key contributor to the absolutism and fervent, unrivaled vitriol spewing out of the right wing today, and I view that as the tactical operation of a brilliant liberal strategist as well, carefully crafting the most insane, hateful, violent, and despicable oral flatulence ever concocted and blasted onto the airwaves.  You largely caused and aided the rise of the Tea Party, and the polarization of the GOP, all of which helps liberal ideology in ways few will ever fathom.  And I dare say that all liberals, myself acknowledging this here and hoping to be joined by others, owe you a debt of gratitude we quite frankly can never repay.

I'm not sure what will happen to you tomorrow, but surely you'll take the cutting edge of lunacy to new heights, spreading your unique genre of comedic-crazy to other realms of our culture.  A cooking show with an onion theme, perhaps?  Or maybe you'll host a reality game show where contestants vie for a million-dollar prize by being the first person to fill a two-liter soda bottle with your waterworks?  I have no way of knowing.  What I can tell you, though, is this:  we true appreciators of high-caliber insanity-based comedy will be waiting to see what freshly-maniacal espousals you render upon us down that lonesome road.  We pray it isn't a cul-de-sac.

If Keith Olbermann might offer me this small liberty...

Glenn Beck:  Today's funniest person IN THE WORLD!

Sincerely,

Matt Rock
Columnist/ Satirist, Newsvine
Chief of Staff, Pardon the Pundit

Jimmy Kimmel, one of my favorite TV hosts, brings us the documentary of the Founding of America as told by Michele Bachmann... and yes, that image is of Paul Revere and Frodo.

(WASILLA, AK) Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, speaking at a press conference on a turkey farm in Wasilla, Alaska, announced this morning that like Michele Bachmann, Palin also shares her spirit with a celebrity Iowan.  And just like her Congressional counterpart, Palin seems to have slightly fumbled a few of the facts along the way.

"You know, I can feel the spirit of Robert Hansen inside me, don't-cha-know," said Palin.  "And it's like, gosh, everything he did for Alaska, and the liberating he did for women, I'm really proud to feel his spirit inside me.  He was a great basketball player, and gosh, he was born in Iowa, and came to the great state of Alaska to spread his message to dozens of people in Anchorage, and then he went to Chicago to prevent the spread of socialism.  Robert Hansen was a great American and I'm proud he left Iowa to make Alaska a better place."

Palin seems to have confused, in any number of ways, the stories of Bob Hansen, the Iowa-born athlete who played for the Chicago Bulls, amongst other teams, and that of Robert Hansen, the Iowa-born serial killer who murdered approximately twenty women in the region of Anchorage, Alaska.  However, before anyone in the press pool was able to correct her, Palin continued.

"You know, I feel particularly talented with his spirit inside me, too!  Robert Hansen was in those Iron Man movies, and Who Framed Roger Rabbit.  I'll tell you who framed Roger Rabbit.  It was Obama and those terrorist death panels he pals around with, that's who!  And he made that great American rock and roll album Odelay!, with that song Mmm Bop on it.  And it's like, gosh, what a great American hero who will never be appreciated by the lamestream media.  You can lead a horse to water, but you can't shoot it from a helicopter, and it's like, wow, they're like airplanes that go up and down.  Like a basketball.  A Robert Hansen basketball.  A basketball for America, always cutting and chopping and dribbling its way through real America toward freedom and good Christian values, for Jesus!"

When Palin finally gave way to a question from the press, a reporter for CNN asked her how Robert Hansen, Bob Hansen, Beck Hansen, the pop band Hanson, Robert Downey Jr., and Bob Hoskins are all related, to which Palin responded "I don't give answers to the lamestream media's `gotcha' questions, don't-cha-know."  She then left the small platform before taking any further questions.  She is expected to tweet and update her Facebook status regarding this event later today.  It remains unclear whether Sarah Palin will run for President, or if she's merely using the 2012 election cycle to stir up publicity for herself.  Some analysts believe that she might enter the race, but abandon her campaign at the half-way point.

In a related story, Michele Bachmann's campaign staff are expected to launch an investigation into whether or not John Wayne Gacy murdered the actor John Wayne somewhere in the state of Iowa, or possibly in New Hampshire.  "We'll make sure Gacy is brought to justice," offered one campaign staffer.  "He almost completely derailed our campaign.  He's obviously a socialist.  And socialists want to get gay-married and give an abortion to Jesus.  We can't tolerate that."

The following schedule has been copied off a notepad by highly trained Pansies from the desk of Michele Bachmann.

~~~~~~~~~~~

6:30 AM: Wake Up, thank god for glorious new day.

6:31: Blame Obama for bad weather.

7:30: Feed Kids, finish preparing for day.

9 AM: Write speech for Virginia appearance, title: "The three hoaxes of America, Obama, global warming, and the minimum wage"

11:30: Pray

11:35: Computer crash. Blame Obama

11:40: Google following topics:

- Obama's economic policy

- Michele Obama Let's move

- Cute puppies

- Year America was founded

- How many states are in America?

- Are Chinese people as good as Indian people?

- How contagious is homosexuality?

12:10 PM: Begin speech for New Hampshire appearance, title: "Allowing homosexuality will make our children gay and ungodly".

1 PM: Lunch

2PM: Figure out an excuse to avoid the latest debate challenge from a 12 year old

2:15: Blame Obama for upset stomach

2:20: New speech: "Liberals in America are the cause of serious illnesses"

3PM: Senate Republican meeting to figure out new attack on Obama

6PM: Home

6:02: Start dinner

6:05: Blame Obama on moldy cheese

6:20: Ask kids how day went

6:25: Blame Obama on too much homework, mean teacher

6:27: Ask god to smite Obama... probably won't happen

7PM: Pre-dinner prayer

7:20 PM: Dinner

8PM: Read Bible

9PM: Get ready for bed

9:30: Bed ;)

10PM: Sleep

(NEW YORK, NY) A district court ruling in New York City this afternoon has prohibited Conservative radio and TV personality Glenn Beck from "gay marrying" the United State Constitution, citing that New York State's recent approval of a bill allowing same-sex marriage does not extend to inanimate objects.  Beck's attorneys are expected to file an appeal against the decision sometime tomorrow morning.

Beck proposed to the legendary document on his Fox News television program three weeks ago, drawing a heart around a copy of the Constitution on his chalkboard, reportedly using pink and purple chalks, though Newsvine is unable to confirm the proposal event, as no one watches Glenn Beck's show anymore.  Moments after announcing his proposal, Beck is said to have ran behind the chalkboard, and in an offensive "gay voice," he accepted the proposal.  He then invited sock-puppet guests onto his program for special commentary on the event, with Beck voicing both characters as well as his own voice. 

"It was beautiful," explained one of Beck's four viewers, Stacy Ledincrezy, 35, of Alabama.  "He perfectly illustrated how his marriage to the Constitution would allow him to protect it from the Sharia Caliphate socialists that the martians are trying to establish in Area 51's special bailout-funded anti-Christian death panel facility.  I was crying.  Not as much as Glenn was, or as much as he does in any other episode, but I was definitely teary-eyed.  It really moved me.  I'm glad my remote control batteries died while flipping through the stations."

However, the court ruling today most likely ends Beck's marriage plans.  "We explained to Mr. Beck just how unreasonable his request was," explained Judge Gavin Talounees, 54, of Brooklyn NY, who presided over today's case.  "First off, the Constitution isn't male or female... it's paper.  Secondly, if it were a human, it would have probably died of old age hundreds of years ago.  Third, the Constitution resides in Washington DC, at the National Archives and Records Association.  They could elope, but that would require legal advice beyond the scope of this court.  Also, it's probably not likely they'd let him take the Constitution out of its protective case, though that's a whole other matter."

A distraught, heartbroken Beck refused to answer questions after the ruling was issued, and only made this brief statement.  "All I wanted to do was protect the Constitution from getting an abortion.  A socialist anti-business abortion.  That's all.  We're in love, and who are the courts to say who can or cannot get married?  I mean, they're letting [homosexuals] get married in New York State now.  What's the difference?  I'll bet you Obama did it.  Obama doesn't believe in the Constitution, and [heavy sobbing and weeping] he... he... he... he doesn't believe in love, either!  I hate you Obama!  You're the meanest President ev... ev... ever!"

In a related story, Michele Bachmann is said to have formally withdrawn her marriage proposal to the Declaration of Independence, claiming that her campaign staff and legal team "couldn't adequately prove that the document was born in the United States, as they couldn't find its birth certificate."  Many analysts are convinced that Bachmann's next move would be to marry Mitt Romney and convert to Mormonism, which would allow her to become a polygamist, and then to exhume Ronald Reagan and propose to him shortly thereafter.  Zombie Reagan has refused to comment as of this hour.

(GOLDSHIRE, AZEROTH) President Barack Obama's World of Warcraft character, a level 85 night elf druid named "Blackninja_1600," was reportedly kicked out of his guild, Legislatin' Fools, on the Antonidas server late last evening, after he failed to offer adequate "heals" to fellow guild member and resident tank, Speaker John Boehner, whose screen name is "Hard_Boehner69," during a guild raid in the infamous "Blackwing Descent" dungeon.

"It was a crazy night, lots of guild drama," explained a shaken Nancy Pelosi, AKA the level 85 gnome rogue "Sanfran_blade0_treat," speaking about the incident this morning via Skype.  "We got to the first boss, and Boehner was like `dude, heal me!', but Obama was all like `Out of mana stfu!'  But then Boehner was like `Oh, check out OBAMACARE!  FAIL!'  and then we wiped.  It was terrible."

"Dude, Boehner was totally nerd-raging," explained majority leader Eric Cantor, whose wow character is the Draenei Paladin "Eric_thuntor."  "Yeah, we wiped, and I usually have Boehner's back.  And yeah, Obama was noobing out, there's no denying that.  But seriously, WTF?  He was all screaming and junk on Teamspeak.  His mom was in the background telling him to chill.  It was so embarrassing, but also hilarious."

However, the ROFLCOPTER came to an abrupt landing half-way through the raid dungeon, when Vice President Joe Biden's Dwarf Hunter character "Scranton_Jenkins_007" caused the group's second wipe.  Sources claim that shortly after the group "rezzed" (resurrected) and joined up inside the dungeon, Boehner was formulating a new plan to tackle the dungeon's next boss.  However, Biden reportedly turned his voice chat microphone on, and after screaming "JOOOOOOE BIIIIIIDENNNN!", he charged into the next room of Blackwing Descent, "pulling" all of the monsters in that room back to the unprepared group and causing them all to wipe a second time. 

Infuriated, Boehner angrily logged off, and when he came back online three minutes later, he demanded that the group try again.  But after following Boehner's instructions to the letter, the group failed to take down the boss a third time, and at that point, Speaker Boehner really lost control.

"He was like, yelling at everyone and blaming the President for everything," explained Sarah Palin, a human hunter named "Grizzly_hockymom" (not a typo).  "The next thing we knew, Boehner kicked Obama out of the guild!  I didn't mind though, because (Obama) pals around with Orcs.  They're The Horde, our mortal enemies, don't-cha-know."

Shortly after Boehner ejected President Obama from the guild, more than a dozen fellow members of Legislatin' Fools decided to quit the guild, claiming that Boehner was "out of control" and "a pretty crappy GM (Guild Master)."  It is unclear whether the guild will survive, disband, or join one of the other guilds on the server.

"All I know is that they're all crazy," claims Ron Paul, who plays a Worgen Priest named "Texaswolfgop."  "Boehner was being [expletive] nuts, but Obama is totally a noob healer.  I mean, he's got blue gear.  Blue gear!  I think he has a few greens, too!  He doesn't have a good enough gear score for raids!  I don't know though, I don't inspect his gear every chance I get.  Whatever though, last night was an epic fail.  I'm glad these stupid [expletive] noobs quit.  We'll just LFG and PUG it next time!"

(SYRACUSE, NY) A large tour bus carrying 44 members of the Tea Party was saved today by a critically-timed abortion performed by a homeless gay surgeon in Syracuse, New York.  The incident, dubbed by local reporters as "the Irony Miracle," is said to have occurred early this morning, sometime between 9:20 am and 9:40 am.  No injuries were reported, other than the abortion.

The tour bus was traveling from South Dakota to Albany, New York to protest the gay marriage bill that was signed into law by Governor Cuomo late last night.  From there, it was scheduled to stop in New York City, Binghamton, and then Buffalo to protest gay marriage throughout New York State, before it would return the 44 Tea Partiers back to South Dakota.  However, at approximately 7:10 am, the female bus driver reportedly lost control of the vehicle, smashing through a guardrail and leaving the bus dangling from an overpass.

"It was terrifying," said one of the tea partiers from the bus, who wishes to remain anonymous, but whose name is Ira Tibhagar, 44, of Mitchell SD.  "We were hanging over the edge of this overpass, and if the bus fell, we were all going to die.  Emergency people showed up, but someone on our bus criticized him for being a public employee in a union, so he kicked the bus a few times, and that made it way worse.  Typical liberals, I'm amazed any of them had jobs.  They couldn't get us out of there.  I was so afraid."

Authorities say emergency crews, while highly frustrated and annoyed by the constant barrage of insults hurled at them by the anti-union protesters, worked feverishly to try and rescue the trapped passengers from the bus.  But the only person that could save the passengers was the bus driver, who would need to operate a switch inside the vehicle to grant emergency teams access to the occupants.  However, the bus driver was unconscious, as the accident had caused a rare, life-threatening reaction within the pregnant female driver's womb.  If the bus driver were given an abortion, she would wake up from her peculiar, pregnancy-induced slumber, claimed medical personnel from Syracuse's nearby Crouse Hospital.

"Luckily, the accident had ripped a hole in the bus very close to the driver, which allowed us to physically make contact with her, but wasn't big enough that we could get people out," explained Syracuse Fire Chief Harry Musdash Jr.  "We simply didn't have the tools necessary for an abortion.  We sent police officers and fire fighters to the Carousel mall to buy coat hangers and a Dyson vacuum cleaner, but this was at around eight in the morning.  The mall was packed with senior citizens power-walking, and our people could barely get passed Hot Topic."

With the clock running out, emergency crews were starting to lose hope.  But at approximately 9 am, a homeless passerby ran onto the scene to aid in the rescue.  The man, identified by his street name "Bubbles," was confirmed by police to be a former emergency room surgeon from a local hospital, who fired him for, quote, "gaying up the place."  Armed with a half-empty pack of cigarettes, a handful of loose change, and an iron stomach full of grit and determination, Bubbles performed an abortion on the unconscious bus driver, who suddenly awoke, realized what was happening, and hit the emergency switch, allowing all 44 passengers and the driver to escape the bus only seconds before it dropped from the overpass and exploded in a Michael Bay-esque mushroom cloud.

"The city of Syracuse owes Bubbles a debt of gratitude," said a press release from the Mayor's office.  "His courage, surgical training, and homelessness saved those lives.  And being gay, he's meticulously clean, so the bus driver didn't get infected.  It was a win-win for everyone.  The Irony Miracle will forever be remembered not for the jaw-dropping hilarity of the situation, but for the heroic actions taken by Bubbles, the gay homeless surgeon.  To show you our gratitude, we'd like to offer you the chance to clean all of our windshields, with pay, while we make an effort to get you back into the medical field."

Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin also released a joint press statement, but it wasn't in English, so instead, we'll close with this statement from the Koch Brothers, whose group Americans for Prosperity had paid for the ill-fated bus trip.  "Thank you, Bubbles, for what you did.  But this doesn't change the fact that you're poor by choice, gay by choice, and that you'll burn in hell for performing an abortion, even when it saved dozens of people.  Jesus hates you.  And the media should stop calling this the `Irony' miracle.  If Bubbles were a Muslim illegal Mexican immigrant that was on his way to a job interview for public sector unionized employment that was found for him by a former ACORN staffer, THAT would be irony.  I think the moral of the story is that we should all be grateful that Matt Rock couldn't fit all of that into his headline.  What a lazy liberal!"

Researchers commissioned by a high-profile organization in the United States announced this afternoon that bigotry of all types -- including racism, sexism, homophobia, and religious intolerance -- is no longer an issue of any kind, putting an end to thousands of years of violence, hate, disenfranchisement, and vitriol.

The North American Male Business Leaders Association, or NAMBLA, commissioned 27 researchers from North America and Europe to conduct the massive $8.9 million study, beginning in 2007 and ending three days ago.  The study concludes that all forms of bigotry have been completely eradicated, and all that remains are a few isolated instances of "reverse-racism," though that, they claim, is quickly receding as well, and should be gone by 2016.

"The findings of the study are absolute," explains NAMBLA President Rich Wytjurk, 59, of Texas.  "We assembled the finest team of white male researchers we could find.  White males are better at spotting bigotry because people are more likely to make racist, sexist, or otherwise offensive comments about others when they're around white men.  I don't think you could ask for a better result.  I'm a top-level business executive who earns more money in an hour than most people earn in a year.  Would they pay me that much money if I were wrong all of the time?  No sir."

The study cites that racism formally ended when President Obama was inaugurated into office in 2009.  Sexism was wiped out slightly earlier, when both Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin made major headlines as serious Presidential and Vice Presidential contenders.  Religious bigotry is stated to have ended much earlier, when President George W. Bush told the world that Islam "isn't America's enemy."  Homophobia reportedly ended with the series premier of the show Dexter, when Michael C. Hall "stopped playing gay dude roles."

However, the study drew fire from several organizations shortly after being published this morning, though Rich Wytjurk countered their criticisms in an almost immediate press release, issued through NAMBLA.  "Sure, you can say that our organization only allows wealthy white men to join, and that we aren't qualified to declare whether or not bigotry still exists.  But you're wrong.  The total wealth of our members is greater than the whole of the rest of the country combined.  We run the Wal-Marts, the Exxon's, and the GM's of the world.  And sure, you can say that most of us inherited that wealth, and had things handed to us on a silver platter, but we can't be blamed because you're too poor to own any silver.  Bigotry is dead, get over it!"

High amounts of praise were offered to both the study and NAMBLA by conservative radio host Bill Rushbeck, who was often criticized as being bigoted prior to the announcement of the study's findings.  "This is the proudest day America's had since Ronald Reagan took the oath of office.  With bigotry officially dead, I can finally really speak my mind.  I can tell you all that women should spend more time in the kitchen and less time whining about paychecks!  I can tell you that two guys kissing grosses me out!  I can tell you that all Muslims are terrorists!  Oh, yeah, and check this out!  Why wouldn't they let Obama join the army?  Because everytime someone yelled `get down,' he would jump up and start dancing!  HA!  I can say that on the air now because bigotry is gone!  Sure, I said most of that before, but now people won't say I'm being hateful!  Suck it, liberal crybabies!  Statue of Liberty!  American Flag!  Prescription drugs!"

The Republican-led Congress is expected to use this study as the basis of a new bill, said to be introduced next week, which "will completely prohibit anyone, particularly minorities, from whining about how bad they have it or playing the `race card,' ever."  Analysts are still reading through the 8,766 page study to determine whether or not such a law could pass based on the information provided, though one official states that "so far, we've carefully read through the first 97 pages, which appear to be nothing more than a transcription from a day of Fox News broadcasts."

Most of us believed that legendary performer and infamous hoaxster Andy Kaufman had died on May 16th, 1984.  But this morning, it was revealed that he's actually been alive and well these past 27 years, living vicariously through his ultimate make-believe character, an Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court whose name has been drawing quite a bit of attention lately -- Clarence Thomas.

Kaufman, 62, was discovered four days ago when Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg reportedly caught him changing out of his Clarence Thomas mask and suit in the Supreme Court Building in Washington, DC.  Ginsburg is said to have fainted upon witnessing Clarence Thomas "removing pieces of his face."  Authorities claim that had Ginsburg, 78, not fainted, Kaufman may have gotten away with his ultimate stunt.

"Kaufman had been caught before," explained DC Mayor Vincent Gray during a press conference this morning.  "In 1993, Justice Kennedy caught [Kaufman] struggling to get into his robes in a bathroom stall, but Andy was able to talk him into joining the ultimate prank.  In 1999, around the time the Jim Carrey movie Man on the Moon came out, Kaufman was caught again, that time by Carrey's co-star Courtney Love, but she was too drunk and stoned to realize she was meeting him."

"When Justice Ginsburg collapsed, Kaufman had no alternative.  He had to call 911, and he didn't have time to get back into the Clarence Thomas outfit."

Kaufman, who was taken into custody shortly after the incident, had been developing the Clarence Thomas character for more than a decade prior to faking his death in 1984.  Thomas' wife at the time, Kathy Grace Ambush, had been in on the practical joke the entire time, but divorced Kaufman/ Thomas when Kaufman decided to go through with faking his own death, deciding she wanted no part in it. 

Kaufman continued with the practical joke regardless, pretending to be a judge.  When George H.W. Bush nominated Thomas to the Supreme Court in 1991, sources claim he was certain the nomination procedure itself would reveal his true identity.  But when he actually became an Associate Justice, the hoax "really took on a life of its own."

"As soon as I saw the pubic hair on the Coke can bit, I knew it was Andy," claims Bob Zmuda, Kaufman's best friend and sidekick.  "We developed that for the Tony Clifton character back in the early days, before Taxi.  But you couldn't say 'pubic hair' in those days, and Andy wasn't a particular fan of blue humor, so we didn't do anything with it.  not until the Clarence Thomas character rose to fame, anyway.  This was Andy's piece de resistance.  His Mona Lisa."

Authorities claim that Kaufman admitted that he had faked his own death, and was planning on revealing to the world that "Clarence Thomas" was a fictional character on the thirty-year anniversary of Kaufman's "death," in May of 2014.  "He couldn't believe he was getting away with it," explained an anonymous law enforcement official.  "He said that Clarence Thomas was probably `the fakest and most obvious character he ever portrayed,' and didn't understand why no one had figured it out sooner.  [Thomas] kept making news through controversy but no one could connect the dots."

It isn't clear whether authorities will charge Kaufman for faking his death and impersonating a Justice of the Supreme Court, or if they'll appreciate what many are already referring to as "the greatest practical joke of all time."  Legal experts argue that the "Clarence Thomas" character was nominated to the highest court in the United States on his own merits.  Meanwhile, some Conservatives argue that Clarence Thomas shouldn't lose his seat on the Supreme Court, regardless of the fact that Thomas isn't a real person, because that would be "incredibly socialist."

BOSTON: In a recent poll, Presidential candidate Rep. Michele Bachmann has topped former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin.

The poll, sampled nearly 1,000 men aged 18-40 on the streets of Boston and had several surprising results. Among all of the potential GOP candidates, Bachmann and Palin emerged as clear favorites, ahead of the competition by double digits. However, Bachmann commands a two point lead on the mediacentric Palin.

The final results of the poll (%):

Bachmann- 45

Palin- 43

Romney- 5

All Other- 7

Most men cited their reason to favorite the two women as "appeal" and other synonymous terms. Intelligence and policy were rarely factors described for putting the females on top. 

"Yeah... she's a sexy thing, Palin. But man, have you checked out Obama's babe? She's SO hot, you know what I'm sayin'?" said one enthusiastic subject. Other men in the vicinity agreed.

This poll is a significant turn of events in the race for the GOP nomination. It is the first time that Palin has been overtaken by another female in popularity and the first time that Romney's popularity has plummeted since he emerged as a favorite.

Our own reporter, Loretta von Birch was there at the site of the poll and said, "Leafy it appears that the tides have turned for the GOP hopefuls. When we took the poll into a nearby bar a fight broke out from an argument over the bra size of Rep. Bachmann. We also did approach one couple this afternoon and his answer was consistent with the others, voting for Palin because of her beauty, while she voted for Romney because of his policies and then gave her husband a slap before continuing on their way."

Check back for updates. As always, this is LeafyDebater bringing you the breaking news from Newsvine.com.

(Hollywood, CA) Goodwill Ambassador, Academy Award winner, and Octomom look-a-like Angelina Jolie filed papers this morning in an attempt to adopt President Barack Obama, according to her family lawyer.  The White House confirmed the story an hour later, claiming that both First Lady Michelle Obama and White House Chief of Staff William Daley were "mulling it over," to determine whether the adoption would benefit or hinder the President's work and 2012 campaign efforts.

"Angelina has been considering this adoption for several months," explained her father, actor Jon Voight.  "She really appreciates the work the President has done, and wanted to do something special for him.  At the same time, like all liberals, there are things about the President she's unhappy with, so as Barack's adopted mother, Angelina is hoping she can deliver him a stern talking to about Darfur, Gitmo, rendition, the Patriot Act, and other hot-button issues."

After Newsvine's interview team gagged a little upon remembering that terrible scene from the film Deliverance, and then all took cold showers to rinse the pain away, we continued questioning the legendary actor.  "Don't worry, that happens all of the time," explained Voight, offering us a seat and a few wet wipes before finishing.  "So anyway, yeah, I think my daughter and [Brad Pitt] will be very capable and loving `First Parents,' and I'm looking forward to bouncing my newest grandson on my knee.  I'm a Republican, but that won't change how I feel about [Obama] joining the family."

"I reckon this is everything Angie's ever wanted," said Jolie's second husband and Pushing Tin co-star Billy Bob Thornton.  "I mean, [Obama] has everything she looks for in a kid, don't he?  He was born in Africa, and, uh..."  Thornton paused to slam down a bottle of Jack Daniels, while simultaneously popping the balloon of a child walking by, before ripping through a harmonica-powered pseudo-country version of Hail ot the Chief.  "Yee haw!  Where the [expletive] was I?  Oh right, Obama.  I voted for him, mainly because John McCain looks like a bowl of mashed potatoes.  I prefer french fried taters.  Why the [expletive] are you asking me about food?  Do I look like a [expletive] chef to you?"

Some political analysts believe that President Obama's 2012 campaign, which looks quite strong compared to the current GOP field, would benefit vastly from Jolie's foreign affairs experience, and while many joke about how many children she's adopted over the years, those analysts also believe that Jolie is "a great parent," and would "help the President personally, as well as politically."  However, some are opposed to the adoption idea.

"I'm not saying [Jolie] is a racist, but it seems like she only adopts foreign kids that aren't white, and to me, that makes her a racist," explained conservative radio host Bill Rushbeck.  "I mean, how many languages do they speak in Brangelina's house?  This is America!  Those kids should speak American!  And now she wants to become `Mombama?'  This is obviously the commie liberal socialist Islamic caliphate making Sharia anchor baby laws against hard-working pro-life real Americans!  This is Hollywood liberal elitism at its finest, folks.  Pure unfiltered hatred of our Constitution!  Did you ever read the Constitution, Brangelina?  It says you can't adopt the President of the United States!  Do I need to write that on a chalkboard for you?  Karl Marx!  9/11!  Hackers!"

In 2009, an unconfirmed story came out that claimed that Jolie had said President Obama was a "socialist," and that she and Brad Pitt had major arguments about his administration, though those stories came from an unidentified source and may have been fake news, which some analysts claim is the worst kind of news, because it isn't real.  Some also believe the adoption may involve her ambitions of playing the role of President Obama in a future film, which may win her a second Academy Award.  It still isn't clear whether or not the adoption procedure will go through, however, and legal teams from both California and Washington DC are currently investigating whether or not the 36-year old superstar can legally adopt a 49-year old man. 

SCRANTON: New reports by the Associated Press suggest that the reason for the sub-par performances by the GOP candidates is not a fault of the candidates themselves, but their lack of large balls.

President Obama certainly has a lot of balls to play with as he gears up for his Presidential run. Washington is an endless pit of balls, in fact, Obama himself made space for several balls in the back of the White House, where he plays with them frequently. Former candidates from both parties enjoyed playing with very large and colorful balls during their campaigns and stays in Washington, unlike the current field of candidates.

We all remember dear Bushie the second and his lack of balls and lack of skills with balls, unlike our current President. And the uncertainty of the number of big balls may be the reason Sarah Palin is staying off the ticket.

"Between Rep. Bachmann and me, you know, there just ain't enough of them big balls to go around this time!" she said. "Todd has some very large balls and I don't know if I'm willing to give those up for a Presidential run."

Another person kept off the ticket by the lack of balls? Donald Trump, who possesses multiple golden balls, one of them being over 6 inches in diameter. Being on the ballot would force him to become public about his golden balls.

Many of the men currently campaigning have reported frequent boredom due to the lack of big balls to play with. Newt Gingrich seems to be affected by the shortages the worst, because when his aides leave, often the balls go with them. The lack of balls does not seem to be affecting Mitt Romney, however, who is enjoying more success with fewer balls than in 2008. This may or may not be connected to his religious beliefs, because many Mormons forbid balls, calling them "evil" and "sinful".

So, do you think the lack of big balls is the reason affecting the GOP candidates? Or do they already have enough balls to play with?

VANCOUVER: Several days after their beloved hockey team was annihilated by Boston at home during the Stanley Cup finals, the other half of the city has been completely destroyed by more riots as Vancouverans prepare for the early return of the Mama Grizzly herself, Sarah Palin. Ms. Palin, upon losing valuable media attention for her one-nation bus tour, decided to generate different media attention by quitting halfway through and returning to Alaska just in time for summer to begin in the state.

In Maine, the residents celebrated by throwing massive parades costing upwards of the entire budget, followed by much drinking and then the release of thousands of captive Lobsters into the streets, as due to the drunken state of the majority of Maine the residents forgot that lobsters reside on the sea floor. Widespread lobster deaths are expected over the next few days and local hospitals are seeing spikes in treated lobster bites. Vermont also celebrated, but due to the low population in the state we could not locate any of the state's three residents to explain the meaning behind their celebrations, though the state had been preparing for her visit by digging a trench around the borders of the state and filling it with maple syrup.

The same joy could not be felt by the residents of Canada and especially Vancouver, where a red alert was issued ahead of Sarah's return. The Mayor of the city has ordered a complete shutdown and bomb shelters prepared and stocked for an extended stay. 

"I've wet myself a few times just thinking about the weeks ahead... I mean, what will happen to my family and I? What will happen to my kids if I and my partner do not make it through?" Said one concerned resident.

Another commented, "I survived through her a few times now, but I don't think I'll be able to do it again. Not this time, I think."

A local Stop & Shop reported shortages of Paper towels, water, bread/other survival foods, and pistols within hours of the alarms.

Our own reporter from Vancouver, Loretta von Birch, gave her account on the state of the city: "Leafy, it appears that the entire city is in full panic mode and preparing for the worst. It is absolute hell here as residents head for their bunkers. I'm already hearing reports of mass suicide by residents just north of here who have no other option."

Those suicides add to the already climbing death toll due to the pre-prep riots in Vancouver, where 90% of the city was sacked and hundreds of thousands of people took to the streets, overturning cars, fighting, and drinking what could perhaps be their last tastes of alcohol. It appears that there are multiple different fires currently burning and the city is doing nothing about them.

It also appears that about an hour from Vancouver, medics are rushing to the scene of a 400 car pileup. Alcohol was not a factor but the cars were travelling at high rates of speed. One car caught by traffic cameras was cruising at a cool 140 MPH. As usual in Canada, the road was covered in ice at the time of the accident.

More reports to come. For now, this is LeafyDebater for Newsvine.com.

It was recently revealed that Sarah Palin and her daughter, Bristol, have both filed for legal trademarks on their names for the purposes of political elections, entertainment services, and business usage.  This morning, Sarah Palin took this a step further, trademarking every phrase every affiliated with her.

"I wanted to, you know, and make sure my name was protected, because the lamestream media never gets it right, and they're always trying to get me with those gotcha questions, and I said `hey, that's not fair, gosh!'  And then I changed the channel, and they were showing tree frogs, and I was like `wow, could I shoot those from a helicopter?'  But then the commercial, and the woman, and I said `gosh, you know?  I don't care how you got your general herpes, and I hope you had to pay for the rape kit, because taxpayers, and in real America, momma grizzlies don't take that sort of stuff, because we're tough from all the pageant walkin'!  But then the next one, and all those burgers come from someplace, and that Obama, he wants to hurt small businesses with socialism, you betcha!"

Palin's newest run of trademarks include many of the phrases she said this morning, and several of her other famous quotes, which she was sure to touch on when she continued her tirade.  "And so, on the farm, and lipstick on a pig was taken out of context, but then those hockey moms stood up for our freedoms on Independence Day, and the aliens were like `gosh, hey America, we didn't mean to try and mess with your good Christian values,' but then Will Smith showed up and said `WELCOME TO EARTH!'  But Earth, and global warming, that's not real, it's just more lamestream media bias, they want to take our rights away, and did you know Keith Older Man is back on the tv box?  And I said `gosh, that Obama is the worst person in the world,' he's always trying to tax our soda, and the government trying to tell us what we can eat and drink, and a large order of fries, and a large soda with extra ice, and do you guys have any of those twisty curly loopy straws?  Because those are fun!  You betcha!"

Palin's speech was cut short when Paramedics rushed onto the scene of her press conference, administering CPR before hauling her away in an ambulance.  "She was winking a lot.  We thought she was having a stroke, or perhaps a seizure of some sort," explained one of the unidentified paramedics.  "So we're taking her to the hospital for observation.  We think she'll be okay, though."

Sarah Palin's legal team also made an effort to trademark some of the more unflattering words and phrases affiliated with the former half-term Alaska Governor, according to sources close to the Palin family.  Those phrases allegedly included "moron, [expletive] for brains, stupid-face, and Sarah Palin, which they wanted to trademark twice for good measure."

In a related story, authorities in Akron, Ohio confirmed today that a large riot broke out in an elementary school playground when two students allegedly teased a fellow student, calling him "as dumb as Sarah Palin."  Shortly after hearing the label, dozens of students attempted to defend their fellow third-grader, claiming that the insult had "crossed the line."  Meanwhile, several other students defended the bully, claiming they were the only people in America that could actually relate to Sarah Palin, even though many of them had by that point in their lives surpassed her in the subjects of English, science, and history.  This is a developing Newsvine exclusive.

Governor Rick Perry may have taken his biggest leap toward announcing a Presidential bid earlier today, when he spoke to a crowd in Austin, Texas. Many analysts believe that Governor Perry may be waiting for the herd of GOP Presidential hopefuls to thin out slightly before announcing his run, though today's biggest Rick Perry headline regards his single, cure-all plan to solve all of America's problems.

"America needs a leader of vision," explained Perry, 61, of Texas, while occasionally leaning away from his podium to spit tobacco into an adjacent spittoon.  "That thar Obama ain't never worn no boots no day in his gosh darn life, no sir no how!  If he ain't a hootin' an' uh hollerin' that thar socialism he's-uh tellin' us Texans how we need to dealin' with them thar Mexicans from Mexico!"  Perry paused while the raucous crowd cheered and fired their six-shooters into the sky for a few moments.  "Now looky here, America.  Y'all need a leader that can lead a horse to water an' make 'em drink, but that thar Obama, well, that dog don't hunt!  And now he wants a second of them thar `terms?'  Well I'll be uh dipped an' rolled in cracker crumbs!  We need to be changin' that thar Washington!  You vote fer me, an that thar Washington is gonna run so good you'll smack your mammal!"

Governor Perry's speech was plagued with technical difficulties.  At one point, he started to yell that "Obama is a ni-", but was then abruptly interupted by the noon church bells.  He tried to repeat himself when people in the crowd panicked and screamed "Obama is near!", but the next church bell also drown out whatever he was trying to say.

The most shocking element of Governor Perry's speech came as he was approaching the close of the makeshift rally.  "Now, I ain't no educated East Coast Hollywood liberal elite like that thar Obama, but I'll tell you what America, I got me the solution to all them thar problems everyone's been a hootin' an' a hollerin' about.  We'll solve all them thar problems the good ole' Texas way!  Secession!  That's right!  If-in America done gone and seceded from itself, all them thar debt roofs an' Mexicans from Mexico and [homosexuals] an' wrapping paper hippity-hop singers'll be left in the dust faster than a steer can eat a cabbage!  YEE HAW!"  After this, another excited outburst of cheers and gunfire filled the sky.  "An' we can send that thar Muslim Obama back to Kenya where he uh belongs!"

Vernacular analysts claim that Governor Perry was suggesting that the United States of America secede from itself, a plan he famously considered for Texas in April of 2009.  However, Newsvine's panel of Constitutional law scholars, historians, and international affairs researchers concluded that it is in fact impossible for a country to secede from itself.  They do state though that if anyone could manage to find a way for this to happen, Governor Rick Perry would be the best man for the job.

The speech in Texas left four people dead and thirty-nine others injured, mostly from erratic gunfire, saloon fights, and a massive ho-down accident, the fifth largest of its kind to happen in the state of Texas this year.

Sunday morning, Jesus Christ returned to the mortal world for a few hours with what appeared to be a primary goal of questioning the morality of, and then scorning the principals of, the Republican Party and the Tea Party.  During his brief visit, Jesus healed nine sick people and allegedly threw eggs at the Westboro Baptist Church, encouraging his believers to do the same, but much of his time spent on Earth was consumed with dismantling the GOP platform and questioning the values of some of his loudest Conservative supporters.

"I couldn't take it anymore," explained Christ, 1,975, of Nazareth, Israel, speaking in front of a large crowd that gathered in Topeka, Kansas shortly after his arrival.  "These people constantly using my name to support their bull-crap philosophies and confusing my most basic principals, I just couldn't sit around in heaven any longer."

"My message was that of sacrificing personal wealth to benefit the poor.  I said people need to pay their taxes without whining about it, too.  And never once did I say anything about abortion, or science, or hating homosexuals.  These morons have been putting words in my mouth for far too long now, and while it isn't anything new, there's only so much a son of God can take before something needs to be said about this garbage."

After throwing five-dozen eggs at the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, Christ responded to questions from the press about what he thought of the most popular GOP figures making news today.  "First off, Mitt Romney is a Mormon.  [buzzer sound] wrong answer!  Magical underwear doesn't save you from being a [expletive] [expletive].  Then there's that Michele Bachmann, what a joke she is.  Let me tell you, as a person who happens to know God personally, God has never once sent her a message, and neither have I.  If we did, she wouldn't be running for President, that's for sure.  And don't even get me started on Palin.  For the love of God, please don't let her publish any more books, the English vernacular can't take that much damage.  And that Ann Coulter guy, he's a real hoot, too."

Christ went on to explain that his political views were strongly Liberal.  "I mean, come on people, for real!  Look at me!  Long hair, a goatee, flip-flops...I think it's pretty obvious that I'm a Liberal, and that's before you even hear what I have to say.  That doesn't mean I'm a Democrat, but I'm the polar opposite of a Republican.  The fact that they try to speak on my behalf and use my name to push their ridiculous, offensive platform... they should be ashamed.  I love everyone, that's sort of my thing.  But that doesn't get these jerks off of my `people to slap' list.  Seriously, I'm a pacifist, but if these morons keep making baseless claims about my beliefs, I'll pass a fist straight through them!"

Aggravated, Jesus disappeared in a flash of light and reemerged ten minutes later, claiming that he "left an upper decker in the bathroom" of the Westboro Baptist church, before dishing up high fives to people in the crowd.  He then went for a walk with some of his real believers, explaining that his visit was a Father's Day present for his Dad, who was equally angered by the Conservative platform, and that accepting Jesus in order to gain admittance into Heaven was nothing more than a quote of his that was taken out of context, and that all good people, regardless of their faith, are accepted.  Some people did oppose the visit, however.

"I can't wait for him to leave," announced Conservative radio host Bill Rushbeck, during a special broadcast during this morning's visit. "I mean, the guy is obviously a socialist. Healing the sick? They don't have health insurance, that sure sounds like Marxist Obamacare to me! And he kicked over the tables of the money counters, so he's obviously a pro-regulation, anti-business commie pinko abortionist! Where's his birth certificate? He's just another illegal immigrant trying to take martyrdom jobs from hard-working Americans! Reverend Wright! Anthony Weiner! Death Panels!"

Jesus arrived at approximately 7:52 am EST, and stayed on Earth until exactly 12:00 pm EST, when he yelled "Peace!" and erupted into a ball of white and blue light, quickly vanishing into thin air and leaving behind only his sandals.  During his visit, Christ made no reference of when his next visit would be.  The Vatican is expected to release a statement regarding the unexpected visit sometime later today.

Former Minnesota Governor and GOP Presidential hopeful Tim Pawlenty has been targeted by a lawsuit, as his mere existence is an infringement of copyrights related to the 1980's cult comedy Revenge of the Nerds.  Sources close to the case claim that Tim Pawlenty is "a nerd of the highest order, but not a witty robot-building nerd like Gilbert Lowell or Lewis Slotnick.  He's more of a useless nerd, like Booger or Ogre." 

The lawsuit is based on a claim that Tim Pawlenty's personality is actually a composite of several characters from the film, including Slotnick, Lowell, and Poindexter, but "without any of the lovable features that made those characters into classics," says Nerds director Jeff Kanew.  "I mean really, you can't tell me that's a coincidence.  Anyone with a personality that dull is obviously a composite of characters from our film."

Pawlenty's Presidential bid has gotten off to a very rocky start thus far, after his failures during the GOP primary debate on Monday, and his glitter-bombing on Thursday.  Pawlenty hasn't been able to connect with anyone or make any reasonably unique statement on the campaign trail, leading to his widespread label as a GOP primary pawn-piece who may, if he's extremely lucky, end up in someone's administration as a Secretary of Transportation.  Though not everyone agrees with even that position.

"To be the Transportation Secretary, you need to have a personality that doesn't bore computer monitors and other inanimate objects," explained Tim Pawlenty's wife, Mary Pawlenty.  "I don't mean for that to sound rude, and of course I'm rooting for my husband, but let's be real here.  I mean, no one is actually expecting him to be President, are they?  So we're setting our expectations pretty low.  Trust me, when you lose a bet and end up married to a guy like Tim for more than two decades, you get used to having low expectations."

It is believed that the glitter-bombing episode from Thursday is the most colorful experience of Pawlenty's life, which has otherwise been a near-empty void of black and white imagery and audio in mono.  Some GOP analysts are hoping that the glitter-bombing may actually inspire some personality to show from the fledgling candidate, though the outlook remains as dismal as he himself is.  "He once said that his own wife wouldn't have sex with him," explained GOP psychological researcher Dr. Fillmore Head, "and we thought he was telling a funny joke.  But it turns out he was just trying to be informative and factual.  We have no reason to believe that Mr. Pawlenty actually knows what jokes are.  Like computers, it might be a few decades before he can really comprehend comedy."

As for the lawsuit, the case is still pending.  Some activists are rallying behind Pawlenty, explaining that "it's just his personality," and that "[Pawlenty] obviously isn't clever enough to develop a character of that deadpan quality, unless he's Andy Kaufman and hasn't actually been dead all these years."  The case will be reviewed by a judge this upcoming Monday.

Pharmaceutical researchers announced today a major new breakthrough drug that may be capable of giving Conservatives a sense of humor.  This new wonder drug, which is still in the preliminary testing phase, is believed to be capable of allowing Conservatives to appreciate all forms of humor, including satire, jokes, gags, pranks, and other forms of comedy.  The primary focus of the drug is to allow Conservatives to identify and appreciate humor, though another aim of the drug is to allow Conservatives to create their own jokes and share them with others.

"We first started our research in this field after a few of us caught an episode of the Fox News program `Red Eye,'" explained Dr. Sati Risili, 49, of the primary research team testing the drug.  "We realized that Conservatives simply aren't funny or entertaining in any way.  All of the best modern comedians are either liberal or apolitical with a liberal lean, so hopefully, this new prescription drug can cure that."

Researchers believe that Conservatism destroys the sense of humor because the ideology itself consumes the portion of the brain where jokes are processed and developed.  It is believed that the more radical a Conservative becomes in their political views, the more irreparable harm they do to their sense of humor.  In some cases, Conservatism does more damage to the brain than the consumption of alcohol, heroin, marijuana, and Paris Hilton movies combined.

Research and development of this new drug has been extremely difficult, however.  "You don't know how hard it is to make a lab rat develop political views," explained Dr. Risili.  "We had to dress the rat in a Tea Party-inspired Colonial outfit, while forcing him to watch Fox News in a device similar to the one used in A Clockwork Orange, while reading excerpts from Ann Coulter's books.  It took a few days, but eventually, the rat started whining about paying taxes and was regularly using the term `Obamacare,' while also confusing fascism, socialism, Marxism, and communism.  We also noticed that the white lab rat was distancing himself from the black and brown rats.  That's when we realized we could begin the full regiment of drug testing."

But not everyone is excited about the prospects of this new miracle prescription drug.  "This is just another attempt by the liberal media at mind control," ranted Conservative radio personality Bill Rushbeck.  "I'm not saying this drug will plant a microchip in your brain to make you think liberal thoughts, or that they'll render you unconscious so you can be hauled off to the FEMA death camps.  I'm not saying that at all.  I'm just raising a question!  I still have that constitutional right, don't I?  Freedom of speech?  And what about the Freedom to be a Christian?  Because it goes against my Christian beliefs to be forced by Obamacare to be force-fed pills that make me laugh!  Read it!  it's in the bible!  Jesus said that after you accumulate as much wealth as you can, you need to avoid being implanted with microchips, because that's how the fascist commie nanny state gets you!  Anthony Weiner!  Bill Ayers!  Abortion!"

The researchers developing the new drug state that they will not release it on the market until after the 2012 elections, because they'd like to avoid with tampering with election results in the offset chance the drug actually does convert Conservatives into Liberals.  "In the meantime, Conservatives will just need to get by with laughing at the few Conservative comedians out there," explained Dr. Risili.  "Dennis Miller, Larry the Cable Guy, and Glenn Beck are pretty much the only famous Conservative comedians around these days.  It's a shame, but our new drug will hopefully resolve this issue completely.  It's a work in progress."

As of today, researchers are struggling to cope with the myriad of side effects caused by the drug, which include, but aren't limited to, nausea, vomiting, itchiness, burning sensations, watery eyes, leg cramps, sexual orientation reversal, headaches, fever, loose stool, constipation, dry skin, mild death, random screaming, and restless leg syndrome.  However, the pharmaceutical corporations assured Newsvine's reporters that they won't release the drug until at least one or two of these side effects has been neutralized.  The new drug will cost Conservative consumers a mere $380 per pill with a standard co-pay, though Dr. Risili says the price isn't a big deal, because "Conservatives are all wealthy.  That, or they champion causes that don't affect them.  Either way, it's a free market thing."

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich continues his campaign for president following an exodus of high-level staff over a vacation he took to Europe.

On Greta Van Susteren’s television program on Fox News Wednesday night, Gingrich said that people who blame his campaign’s troubles on his wife Callista owe her an apology.

Read more: http://dailycaller.com/2011/06/16/gingrich-demands-apology-says-wife-is-being-treated-like-nancy-reagan/#ixzz1PUK0wPqX